Six wedding themes that say 'We can't back out now because we've already paid the deposit'

SOME weddings are simple affairs where all that matters is love. Others are clearly a big distraction from the inevitable break-up. Like these.

Destination wedding

A great option if you want family and friends to be as financially burdened and annoyed about your wedding as you are. What better way to get their blessing than force them to spend several hundred pounds on flights to Sri Lanka because you think a beach wedding will look nice on Instagram?

Festival wedding

This one is personal, because it celebrates that time you and your partner got off your tits on MDMA at Shambala and declared your love for one another. Neither of you are sure you actually meant it, but your parents have paid for the food vans, bands and ruinously expensive yurts now, so it’s not up for discussion.

Christmas wedding

As well as burdening everyone financially, why don’t you make sure you massively inconvenience them too? Getting married on Christmas Day means they have to change their usual plans and also bankrupt themselves with festive period travel prices. The guilt of knowing you’re the reason your best man missed his last Christmas with his gran will keep you together for a good five years longer than you should be.

Disney wedding

Nothing screams ‘this marriage is doomed’ louder than a wedding based around unrealistic happily-ever-after stories from children’s films. It will be a tacky fancy dress nightmare for your guests, who will only be able to alleviate the misery of the day by placing bets on how many weeks your union is going to last.

Eco-friendly wedding

While using recycled elements in your wedding sounds like it’s going to be cheaper, it actually costs way more than buying a load of plastic tat and then binning it after. And, while an ethically sourced menu and biodegradable confetti are better for the environment, what would have been best of all is if you realised you had commitment issues a year ago and didn’t bother in the first place.

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Five things your kids didn't tell you they urgently need for school tomorrow

READY for a relaxing evening? Nice try. Here are five things your kid has remembered they need for school in the morning.

A packed lunch for a school trip

Three months ago you paid for a school trip which your kid has just realised is happening tomorrow. As they usually have school dinners, you have f**k all in to make a sandwich with. This is why they spend lunchtime at the local industrial museum eating two slices of out-of-date panettone filled with salad cream and picked onions.

A fancy dress costume

It’s 10.37pm and your child has come downstairs to tell you they need a costume for tomorrow’s ‘Romans Day’ at school. You spend the night tearing your hair out trying to fashion them a centurion’s helmet, before giving in, putting a sheet on their head and telling them they’re going as ‘ghost of Julius Caesar’.

The ingredients for a risotto

They wait until after the Tesco Metro at the end of the road is closed to announce that they’ve got food technology tomorrow and need ingredients for a risotto, including arborio rice, fresh sage and gran padano. You come back from the 24-hour garage with basmati, dried parsley and Cheese Strings, and pray you won’t have to sample their creation the next day.

£500 for the class skiing holiday

Remember a vague conversation about a skiing trip to Chamonix next Christmas? Well, your kid took that as a firm yes, and you have to pay the deposit tomorrow. After attempting to explain about the cost of living crisis, you give in and put it on the credit card, while mentally despairing over the further costs of flights, ski jackets and salopettes.

A leaving gift for the teacher

Mrs Griffiths is leaving tomorrow, and there’s going to be a big assembly that you need to attend, and also you need to bring a present. You’ll have no time to buy one tomorrow, so search around the house instead, finally finding an almost-full bottle of Scotch that you can top up with water and no one will be any the wiser. Anyway, she’s a teacher, you reason, so she’ll be desperate to drink anything.