'Socks and Crocs, mullet, T-shirt tucked into joggers, looking good,' thinks teenager

A TEENAGER thinks he looks the business despite sporting the kind of outfit his mum would expect her own father to wear to do the garden.

When Josh Hudson went off to meet friends for a bubble tea wearing Crocs and white socks, a T-shirt tucked into his joggers and carrying his valuables in a bum bag, mum Sarah confirmed she felt embarrassed on his behalf.

Sarah said: “How did it become cool to go out dressed like a pensioner spending the weekend at their static caravan? When I was Josh’s age, none of the lads would tuck their school shirt in unless a teacher told them to, never mind a T-shirt.

“And he’s got a mullet. On his way out he stopped at the mirror to lovingly fluff out the ‘party at the back’. I asked him if it’s ironic and he laughed and said ‘No cap, ma’, which I think is Gen Z slang but really I’m none the wiser.

“His girlfriend turned up the other day wearing pleated wide-leg jeans and a vintage Sweater Shop jumper. I’d think they purposely dressed like this to give me horrible flashbacks to my youth if they weren’t so pathologically uninterested in me.”

When approached for comment, Josh rolled his eyes and slouched off with his Crocs making farting noises.

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Seven-year-old in Stoke identified as UK's youngest gammon

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD boy living in Stoke has been confirmed as the UK’s youngest gammon.

Jack Browne was found sitting in the garden of the pub his parents own, nursing a pint of milk and airing strong views on Brexit, immigration and low-traffic neighbourhoods.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We typically associate gammons with being puce-faced old men, so it’s fascinating to have found such a young and furious specimen.

“Has he developed the attitude and demeanour of an elderly racist due to his upbringing or is it somehow innate within him? We’re hoping to study Jack further to find out, if he stops telling us to f**k off back to where we came from.”

Jack’s proud father Wayne said: “The lad’s grown up almost exclusively in the company of pub bores and off-shift taxi drivers so maybe that’s where he gets it. His reading matter has been red top tabloids and the Daily Mail, and his teachers say he has the reading age and tastes of a spiteful pensioner.

“We’re hoping this recognition will get him onto some sort of gifted and talented scheme, you know, like they do with really clever kids. He could be the next leader of UKIP. Or at least the UK’s youngest ever Wetherspoons barfly on the day of his 18th birthday.”

Jack Browne said: “Bugger off, snowflakes.”