Spring is here and it's time to throw away everything you own!

THE birds are chirping, the buds are appearing on the trees, so it must be time to throw away every single one of the possessions holding you own. 

Open the windows! Clean the bathroom in the spring sunlight! Hire a skip and keep loading it until you’ve got rid of literally all your stuff!

It’s a new season, it’s the beginning of a new year, and you can always get new things. They’re better than old things anyway. Old things are rubbish and dusty. Urgh.

Imagine how free you’d feel, how special, if instead of a house crammed with boring old crap like books and furniture, you had one of those houses with sweeping expanses of floorspace like in adverts. You can! Just chuck the lot!

Not used it in six months? Well, you’re not going to need it again then. Why are you hanging onto it, hoarder? It’s March!

Yes, you could sell everything, but what would you get, a few thousand pounds? Hardly worth the trouble, and no charity shop’s going to want a telly two years old. Get rid. You’ll be glad you did.

Throw it all out! Bin the lot! Including the clothes you’re wearing! It’s spring! It’s spring! It’s spring!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Retired builder spends an hour doing f**k all for old times' sake

A RETIRED builder is reliving the days when he used to have a job by sitting on his jacksie doing sod all, he has confirmed. 

Roy Hobbs admits he has found retirement hard to cope with because he has nowhere to go and nothing to do, as opposed to his working days when he would go to someone else’s house and do nothing there.

He said: “Of course I didn’t always go. Sometimes I couldn’t be arsed.

“But I didn’t realise quite how much of my life was geared around the deliberate avoidance of work. Without that there I don’t feel like I’ve got any purpose.

“So I was delighted when my sister-in-law asked me to help out with her extension. I was round there at 7am dumping my cement mixer in her garden, and back in bed by 9am.

“I’m round here five afternoons a week, sitting on a milk crate, drinking endless cups of tea, smoking roll-ups and listening to Steve Wright.

“I haven’t done so much as put one brick on top of another. It’s been glorious.”

Wife Yvonne Hobbs said: “It’s given him a new lease of life. When he comes home at night, he’s really loving doing fuck all again.”