Students acting like usually they're rolling in it

STUDENTS living on less than £50 a month are complaining as if they are usually meant to be flush with cash, it has emerged.

After realising they have barely any money left to spend on booze and more booze once their accommodation has been paid for, undergraduates are reacting as if being perpetually broke is not the typical lifestyle of a university student.

English student James Bates said: “I don’t understand. Once my maintenance loan has covered my rent, bills and travel costs I’m left with next to nothing. Why didn’t anyone warn me this would happen?

“I’ll have to get a part time job which will be really easy to fit in around my eight hours of contact time per week. Although that’ll only leave me with most of my afternoons and evenings free to doss about drinking. It’s so unfair.”

Sociology student Lucy Parry said: “University is supposed to be the best years of your life, now that’s ruined because I’ll have to make and stick to a budget. Failing that I’ll just ask my parents to send over a few hundred quid which I’ll instantly blow on takeaways.

“Honestly I can’t wait until I graduate and this penny-pinching ordeal will be over. After all, a degree is a guaranteed ticket to a well-paid job, right?”

University chancellor Joesph Turner said: “Yeah, about that…”

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Royal Tunbridge Wells, and other town names that can get the f**k over themselves

DO you live somewhere with a stupid and, frankly, poncy name? Here are six insufferably pretentious town names that need to get a grip on themselves.

Royal Tunbridge Wells

Edward VII only gave three towns the prefix ‘Royal’ – this one, Leamington Spa and Wootton Bassett. It’s important to note that they were all called something needlessly up themselves to begin with, just to lure the royal family in. That’s why there’s no Royal Knutsford.

Upton Snodsbury

What would possess you to live in a place that sounds like a name given to an aristocrat in a lesser Monty Python sketch? It’s only a few letters away from being called ‘Uppity Snobbery’, which presumably describes the character of most of the locals.


Most towns have rid themselves of their associations with the French (and for good reason – they’re snooty bastards). Not Ashby-de-la-Zouch, which sounds like the name of a twat who’d go with you to a fancy restaurant just to correct your pronunciation of ‘bouillabaisse’.

Cleobury Mortimer

It’s excessive to give a town two upper-class names. ‘Cleobury’ is the kind of thing you’d call your daughter because the private school you want to send her to is already filled to the brim with Ophelias and Arabellas, while ‘Mortimer’ is what you’d name a posh dog.

Ottery St Mary

A place so in love with itself that it’s named after an adorable animal? Piss off with that. You don’t see Stoke calling itself ‘Badgery’ or ‘Squirrelly’, and that’s because it’s a proper town and not a character that lives in Enid Blyton’s Magic Faraway Tree.

Saffron Walden

Saffron? F**king Saffron? Just because Henry VIII granted you a charter to be named after the most expensive spice in the world, it doesn’t make you special, you lah-di-dah wankers.