BORED over the festive period? Also horny and transgressive? You can only penetrate yourself with these once a year:
With so many on the tree, nobody will miss just one. And they come in such seductively varied shapes and sizes. Avoid antique ones made of glass or God forbid mercury, or you’ll end up in A&E behind six other people who’ve done the same.
Needs to be cinnamon-and-clementine scented to count. Come in different sizes to accommodate all orifices. Lighting the wick is optional.
A Terry’s Chocolate Orange
Lying about everywhere during this period, you can post in segments one-by-one or shove it up whole. Remove from the box first. Break it by twerking then offer everyone a bit.
A bottle of Baileys
The rest of the year you’re slotting wine bottles, so Baileys makes a lovely change. With its sleek long neck, it’s begging you to. Try it over ice for an entirely different experience.
Worried your festive insertion isn’t religious enough? A Christingle is the perfect solution. Combines both a candle and an orange for a festive feeling you won’t forget. Watch for cocktail sticks with dolly mixtures on. They hurt.
A turkey crown
Got a spare? Switch up and make the turkey itself the stuffing this year. For a vegan alternative, try a nut roast up your nether regions. Serve warm but allow to cool.
Stick one end up, clench and let a partner pull the other! Ensure the loved one is a sexual partner and not an unsuspecting family member. Be careful with the tiny plastic toys; they are so easily lost.
Like a magician pulling handkerchiefs from a pocket, you too can bring joy and wonder to a Christmas party by expelling fifteen feet of tinsel from inside yourself. Plus the texture is wonderfully exfoliating.
A Yule log
Best of the Christmas desserts and a sure crowd pleaser. Covered in chocolate ganache so guaranteed to slide in easily. Looks like any normal movement coming out.
A Christmas tree
Go big or go home. Combine baubles, tinsel and candles on a decorated tree for heightened fun. Opt for plastic or the authenticity of a real, live tree. May kill you.