SECOND-HAND platforms have the occasional gem in a mountain of crap. Which of these delights will you scroll past today?
Knackered childrens’ trainers
Kids destroy shoes. This is a given. Scrubbing off the mud can’t conceal that the Velcro is matted with bits of old thread and pet hair. Even your slovenly, oblivious child is too discerning for these.
Empty Chanel carrier bag
Not a bag carrying some perfume, but literally an empty paper bag. A glowing description extols such attributes as ‘string handles’ and ‘a rectangular cardboard insert’. The seller wants 12 quid plus £3.35 postage.
Lavishly described on Vinted as ‘stunning’. If truly only worn once as claimed, then that one occasion must have been a particularly heavy night out in a cheap suburban nightclub involving free blue alcohol and a back-alley knee-trembler.
A filthy juicer
No one in their right mind buys a juicer because it will be used once and thrown out. This listing on Next Door is a case in point, but replaces ‘thrown out’ with ‘sold at full price’. £135 ‘as new’ but each of its 17 miserable components is caked in dried-on orange juice from when Theresa May was prime minister.
Open pack of Tena ladies pads
The epitome of Facebook Marketplace user realising they can list something without considering whether they should. A full cupboard clear-out: why not? Next time why don’t you chuck in a half-tube of Anusol?
Weird-looking three-piece suite
Red velvet with a fake gold trim, this suite looks like it came from a dictator’s second-best lounge. Yours for the bargain price of £1,000 ‘or near offer.’ Ponder whether a fiver is near enough before deciding it’s not worth the risk of being accepted.
Nintendo game: box only
A box only. Not the game itself. The seller wants £5.99 plus postage. Gives you the impression the seller was sat in a near-empty room casting around for anything whatsoever that might have value. Will be gone next time you look for it.
Blithely listed on Facebook Marketplace for local pick-up, this mattress is apparently worth £15. You would literally pay that to stay away from it. Was this flytipped once already?
Harry Potter Lego character – wand only
Wand only. A Lego wand. A 1cm bit of brown plastic. £4? Plus postage? Surely at least it can apparate its way to you?
A dolls’ house bath mat
Brilliant! A bath mat on eBay for 99p! You hit Buy on this genuine, old-school auction bargain in a frenzy of excitement. It comes measuring 25mm x 50mm. You check and it did say in the advert. This is why people sell crap. Because of bargain-greedy knobheads like you.