Thank f**k for that, say parents as children's parties are banned by law

PARENTS have thanked f*ck after new Covid rules make it illegal for 15 hyperactive kids to smash up their house.

Mums and dads are pleased to be able to tell children that their friends cannot come round because the prime minister said so, rather than because they are nasty little shits.

Donna Sheridan said: “I never thought I’d thank this government of pricks for anything but I could kiss Boris Johnson for getting me out of this year’s fairy unicorn hellscape.

“You carefully prepare for organised fun like musical statues and then the kids turn up and spend four hours smearing jam on your telly and vomitting on your pets.

“Then after they’ve trashed your house you give them a bag of presents as a thank you.

“F*ck that.”

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'It's worth paying extra for quality': How to be an arse about farmers' markets

DO you regularly spend far too much at a farmers’ market and want others to know about it? Here’s how to bring it up constantly: 

Sound a bit mental about vegetables
Claim the tomatoes are “totally different” from supermarket produce. They’re not. They’re still tomatoes. Keep going totally over the top about vegetables until you sound unhinged, as if you’ve discovered a real fairy village at the bottom of your garden rather than just bought courgettes.

Know the name of the animal you’ve just eaten
Small producers may be able to tell you the name of the cow, sheep or pig that’s recently had a bolt through its brain before being dismembered. Tell your friends as if it’s excellent, and not slightly macabre, that your lamb chops used to be called ‘Bobby’.

Say ‘It’s worth paying extra for quality’
This trite observation establishes that you do indeed pay more and are thus wealthier and more discerning than the common herd. And no one cares enough to point out you’re paying three times as much for sausages indistinguishable from the ones from Sainsbury’s.

Become tediously knowledgeable about farming
Soon you’ll know lots of random stuff about organic pesticides and different types of sheep that is of zero interest to anyone except farmers. Never ask yourself whether the person you’re talking to gives a shit about which type of pig swill produces the best pork.

Corner whoever you’re talking to
Once you become known as a farmers’ market person, people may avoid you rather than have another chat about free-range chicken. Make sure they’re in a situation where they can’t escape, ideally a dinner party, where you can talk them through every item on their plate.