The 15 rules that apply to everyone except you

EVERYONE agrees that rules are essential to a functioning society. But that doesn’t mean you, obviously. You’re special, so you’re allowed to ignore the following rules.

Dog shit bags

Most people have to bag their dog’s crap and put it in the nearest bin, but luckily for you the bridle path where you walk your dog has a magical Dog Shit Fairy, who comes when everyone’s asleep and collects the bag of dog shit from the tree branch you’ve hung it on.


Chumps who drive VWs and Skodas stick to the speed limits, but you’ve got places to be. People who do 70 on a motorway should actually be fined for holding your Range Rover up.

Traffic lights

‘Amber gamblers’ like you ought to be applauded for reducing traffic. If everyone stopped on amber, there’d be massive queues building up. If there were more road users like you, going for a drive would be a pleasure.

Shopping trolleys

The supermarket trolley guy would have a pretty dull day if all he did was check on the trolley bays. By abandoning your trolley next to where you parked, you’re actually livening up his day with a visit to part of the car park he doesn’t normally see.

Cycling on the pavement

Pavements are for pedestrians only, but you were only riding on the pavement ‘for a bit’ and you weren’t going that fast. If that’s not a watertight legal defence then what is?

Paying taxes

Paying tax is for poor people, not wealthy businessmen like you. Even ordinary self-employed people shouldn’t have their taxes wasted by bureaucrats on stationery. Do complain bitterly when you have to wait at the GP’s because the receptionist hasn’t got the right form or can’t find a biro.

Indicating at roundabouts

The Highway Code clearly says that drivers should use their indicators at roundabouts ‘except anyone driving a BMW or an Audi’.

Photocopier étiquette

The rule is that if the paper tray runs out while you’re printing something, you fill it up. Same for the ink cartridges. But if you followed the rule, Trevor in accounts wouldn’t have anything to whinge about, and he loves whingeing, so you’re actually doing him a favour.

Contacting your staff at home

Had Moses had more space on his tablets, God would have given him an 11th Commandment – thou shalt not contact thy staff on their days off. But your staff are different – they don’t mind it when you email or text them at home because they’re lucky to have such a great boss like you.

Cinema etiquette

No talking during a film? No using your phone? How on earth are you supposed to find out the name of that actress you vaguely recognise without waiting for the credits?


When you’ve finished your fast food, you can either leave the packaging carelessly strewn about your car like an eyesore until you get home or you can simply roll down a window and chuck it on the verge. Opt for tidiness every time.

The quiet carriage

Being in the quiet carriage doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make any noise – that would be ludicrous. It means everyone else should be quiet so you can hear better when you’re on the phone.

Parliamentary expenses rules

How on earth are you supposed to scrape a living as an MP on a paltry £84k a year without fiddling your expenses? Horses can’t install their own central heating. They’ve got hooves.

Cleaning the bath 

‘It’s YOUR filth so YOU should be the one to clean it’ runs the argument. Did the 20 million victims of Stalin worry about the odd pube in the bath? Sense of perspective, please.

Shag pile carpet in the bathroom

Interior design rules say bathrooms should have vinyl or wood flooring – something easy to wipe clean. But you’re an 80-year-old pensioner and no one’s going to tell you what to do. That weird stained bit of carpet round the toilet? That’s part of the pattern.

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Six ultra-horny songs to turn off your partner this Valentine's Day

LOOKING to turn tonight’s cosy Valentine’s evening at home into frenzied, depraved rutting with a curated selection of sex jams? Best avoid these: 

Marvin Gaye, Let’s Get It On, 1973

Far too obvious. Your mum and dad made love to this and now you’re here stealing moves off them? You can’t do better than an anthem which soundtracked the creation of Generation X, along with a box of Lindor and basic missionary? Your lovemaking is predictable almost to the thrust.

Donna Summer, Love to Love You Baby, 1975

Strobes, sweat, sex: the trio of titillation. Doesn’t quite work in a beige new-build but nonetheless. Slipping on the 16-minute extended version, featuring no less than 23 simulated orgasms, is only going to highlight your inadequacies as a lover when you’re finished four in.

Poison, Talk Dirty To Me, 1987

Classic glam-rock played by hairsprayed cocks, Bret Michaels’ various romp locations are so electric – the drive-in, the bushes – you’ll be taken back to the wild encounters of your youth, not your current cuddle-fumbles on the sofa in front of Naked Attraction half-pissed on Co-op Prosecco.

Meat Loaf, Paradise By The Dashboard Light, 1978

So unsexy is this entry in the horny song canon that it’s practically contraceptive. Meat Loaf’s perspiration-soaked napkin, ham-fisted baseball double-entendres and at the end of all that it’s a f**king showtune. Tough to keep up with and all over the place rhythmically, it ruins sex even faster than it ruins an evening of karaoke.

Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion, WAP, 2020

A riot of pussy-serving suggestions harder to keep up with than Agadoo, with a particulary emphasis on gushing liquids. Its boasts of ludicrous sexual prowess are guaranteed to give all parties imposter syndrome and guilty feelings about a bucket and mop.

Prince, It, 1987

You can’t go wrong with Prince, many a pair of lovers has thought before trying to f**k through the free-jazz outro to Temptation. This track is more traditionally lascivious, with Prince proclaiming that he wants to do it all the time and that it feels so good it really should be a crime. Meanwhile you’re there having had f**k all sex since Christmas. Prince is looking down on you, shaking his head.