The annual round-robin letter from the most insufferable middle-class family you know

Happy 2021, everyone! We hope this letter finds your family well. 

Dear [Benny please put the names here darling],

We spent last new year clearing out clutter and filling a skip with bits and pieces. All terribly boring but better than going through it all. *

The start of lockdown saw orders for Mrs L-C’s artisanal elderflower cordial drop off, leaving us an income stream down. But thanks to a chance meeting with Dominic Raab she got a new job procuring a billion pounds’ worth of unnecessary equipment for the NHS. Truly, when God closes a door He opens a window.

While restrictions kept us from the usual Corfu-Croatia-Corfu jolly, summer was saved by our local marquee hire. A funny little man from the village put the tent up and we spent some happy nights in the garden discussing The Vicar of Dibley, The Great British Bake Off and various infidelities. The neighbours were even known to poke their heads over the fence to watch. Well, we do often say we should be in the circus!

Like so many we got a lockdown dog, a pedigree King Charles Spaniel which makes seven King Charles Spaniels now. Bunty joins Roger, Charles, Henry, Maude, Clemmie and Lois, and has been enjoying walks around the village. Mr L-C is still in charge of droppings and is doing a wonderful job.

The planning permission row’s rumbled on all year, but thankfully due to a little intervention from Whitehall it finally ended in December. Early in February our elderly neighbour’s cottage will be demolished and we’ll have an uninterrupted view to the village pond. Expect invites!

Benjamin is still studying medicine at Exeter and hopes to graduate soon. Sarah remains a disappointment to us all.

Have a good 2021,

The Lowdon-Charingdons

* Mr L-C’s mother died in January.

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Dog concerned for owners who spent hard-earned money on presents for him

A DOG is still worried about the humans who collect his shit because they spent money on unnecessary presents for an occasion he does not understand.

Golden retriever Tom Logan was surprised to be given a new collar with his name on it by his owners as if they think he is aware of anything beyond when his next meal.

Tom said: “Are they out of their f**king minds? I can’t read, let alone appreciate festive gestures.

“Do they even realise I’m a dog? They’ve got kids so I assume they can tell the difference but maybe they’re stupider than I thought.

“And they’ve given the children a DVD ‘from the dog’ which I find even more worrying. What are these children going to grow up thinking? That I’m logging on to Amazon at night? And that I think Trolls World Tour can stand up to multiple viewings?

“I’d rather they use the money to get a new sofa for me to sit on as I’ve ruined their current one with scratching and the occasional piss up the back of it.”