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The driver's essential guide to abusive hand gestures

SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.

V-sign

The default British hand gesture, using the index and middle fingers to form a ‘V’. Delivered with an abrasive ‘F**k you!’, it is the perfect response to idiotic manoeuvres, thieving bastards who steal the last parking space, or abuse for your own shitty driving.

Middle finger

Hollywood’s number one abusive gesture, where the middle finger is raised on its own, or comically ‘wound up’ by the other hand. Do not accompany with comments, such as: ‘Swivel!’, ‘Sit on it!’, or ‘Up yours, buddy!’. It lessens the gesture’s intended dramatic effect and is simply gilding the lily

Gobshite

When verbal abuse arises, suggest the offended driver may be a ‘gobshite’. Slowly shake your head and tap your fingers and thumb together, as if commenting through an invisible sock puppet. This gesture informs the other driver of his faecal oral output. Also mutter ‘Want to make something of it?’ but drive off before your courage is put to the test.

Loser sign

Placing a right-angled thumb and index finger to the forehead indicates that the object of this gesture is simply a loser. Whether it’s in driving, life, or love, is for the receiver of the gesture to determine. Note: take care to use the right hand for direct gesturing, left hand for the rear-view mirror.

Wanker shake

The Sunday roast with all the trimmings of abusive gestures. This simple circling of the thumb and index finger, pivoting back and forth from the wrist, is usually reserved for incompetent male motorists. Think twice before using on catastrophically narcissistic sports car drivers, as this gesture may be taken as a compliment on their large penis.

How to stop your kids getting into Harry f**king Potter

IT’S the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter film this week. Here’s how to stop your kids making you go through all that tedious magical nonsense again.

Take your old copies to the charity shop

You’ve probably still got all the books collecting dust on a shelf somewhere because you haven’t been arsed to get rid of them. As soon as your kids are able to read independently, get them to the nearest charity shop, along with that well-thumbed copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

Get them into something edgier

If you have young kids, they’ll find the Harry Potter films exciting and a bit scary. To allow them this thrill without you having to sit through 20 hours of bullshit with owls and broomsticks, why not show them The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It’ll put them off watching telly for years.

Switch off the wifi at Christmas

Harry Potter films tend to appear on the telly at Christmas so do yourself a favour and pretend the wifi is broken and nothing can be streamed. You’ll saddle yourself with dull games of Monopoly but it can’t be more tedious than watching Rupert Grint hamfistedly wave a stick around.

Pretend to be an angry, book-burning Christian

Even if you shield your child from Harry Potter, it doesn’t mean their friends won’t introduce them to it. Get in there first by telling to your kid’s friend’s parents that the books are full of Satanic references that offend your Christian sensibilities and if you ever find one of them in your house you will burn it.

Tell them magic is made-up bollocks

It’s nice that children believe in fairies and house elves and stuff, but it’s also a colossal pain in the arse if they insist you read them seven massive books full of that shit. Tell them Santa isn’t real and magic is made up bollocks at the age of three and save yourself years of hassle.