A WOMAN is frustrated that her long-term partner has yet again refused to show his commitment to their relationship by proposing an unholy blood pact.
Though the couple have been together for several years, share a flat and are talking about children, 28-year-old Francesca Johnson’s boyfriend Tom Booker is still reluctant to surrender their twinned souls to Beelzebub.
Johnson said: “We’ve got friends who haven’t been together half the time we have rushing to the satanic altar and I’m stuck referring to him as my ‘boyfriend’ like we’re teenagers.
“I’m trying to play it cool but I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t break it off and find someone who’s prepared to slit our wrists with ritual daggers and dedicate the remainder of our lives to be vessels for His diabolical agenda.
“I know it’s ridiculous, but does Tom even love me? Because if he did we’d be eternally damned by now.”
Booker said: “I love Fran, I’m not even looking at any other of the Horned One’s brides, but we’re still young, you know? I still want to learn how to scuba dive before she’s carrying the Beast from Revelation who will bring Armageddon to Earth.
“I’m not going to be pressured into pledging my life to Satan because all our mates are. I’m sorry, I’m a traditional guy and I take the spilling of blood in Lucifer’s name seriously.”