Tinie Tempah's Extraordinary Penis Extensions

HI, I’M Tinie Tempah, and like every man I’m always looking for ways to make my penis seem, and feel, bigger. Check these out: 

Drive a fast car

There’s nothing that swells my loveshark more than sliding behind the wheel of my £180k Lamborghini Huracan. If you can’t afford my ride then you can manage with a Merc, an entry-level Mazda MX-5 or even a pimped-out Honda Civic. As long as it gives you that Big Dick Energy.

Own a big house

A house isn’t a cock, but if I’m honest it’s more practical and women prefer it. Plus you can send pictures of it on Tinder and it doesn’t get in the papers. Location is as important as size. A massive house in Scunthorpe is like a massive knob in Scunthorpe: no use to anybody. I imagine. I’ve never been.

Wear expensive clothes

There’s nothing like swishing about in Dior jeans and a Margiela jacket to make you feel like you’re packing a major rod. Just standing in my walk-in wardrobe surrounded by designer gives me that heavy cock confidence. No, I don’t keep them at my aunt’s house now. F**k off.

Have multiple pop hits

If you’re being brought down by genitals that resemble a Yuletide winter berry arrangement, try making millions from a string of hit pop songs over seven years then getting up on stage to perform them in front of a cheering crowd of thousands. Really gives you that proud dick feeling.

Have your own Channel 4 home design show

I really can’t recommend anything better for the wellbeing of your old gentleman than presenting your own home design show on Channel 4 on a Wednesday evening. Such a flex. I’m strutting in front of those cameras like John Wayne with elephantiasis of the scrotum. You can definitely tell.

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Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today. 

Marketing manager Julian Cook is leaving the office at lunchtime for dental work but, aware that the business he works for and Western civilisation would crumble if he was absent without explanation, set an out-of-office to reassure the world.

He said: “I am the linchpin. Without me, the machinery of late-stage capitalism stutters to a halt. It was my solemn duty to set that warning.

“If someone emails me and doesn’t get a response within 30 minutes, there’s no telling what hell could break loose. Panic on the markets, runs on the banks, the total collapse of global supply chains.

“Without my crucial expertise and inspiring leadership, everything is at risk. It’s not easy being the sole reason the cogs keep turning, but I accept the responsibility. Who else?

“I explained the situation as best as I could in the out-of-office, but also left my mobile number in case of emergencies. Unfortunately, when you’re as vital as I am, you can never fully switch off.”

When Cook returns to work tomorrow morning, he will catch up on on one email about after-work drinks and another about the upcoming replacement of a printer on the third floor.