HI, I’M Tinie Tempah, and like every man I’m always looking for ways to make my penis seem, and feel, bigger. Check these out:
Drive a fast car
There’s nothing that swells my loveshark more than sliding behind the wheel of my £180k Lamborghini Huracan. If you can’t afford my ride then you can manage with a Merc, an entry-level Mazda MX-5 or even a pimped-out Honda Civic. As long as it gives you that Big Dick Energy.
Own a big house
A house isn’t a cock, but if I’m honest it’s more practical and women prefer it. Plus you can send pictures of it on Tinder and it doesn’t get in the papers. Location is as important as size. A massive house in Scunthorpe is like a massive knob in Scunthorpe: no use to anybody. I imagine. I’ve never been.
Wear expensive clothes
There’s nothing like swishing about in Dior jeans and a Margiela jacket to make you feel like you’re packing a major rod. Just standing in my walk-in wardrobe surrounded by designer gives me that heavy cock confidence. No, I don’t keep them at my aunt’s house now. F**k off.
Have multiple pop hits
If you’re being brought down by genitals that resemble a Yuletide winter berry arrangement, try making millions from a string of hit pop songs over seven years then getting up on stage to perform them in front of a cheering crowd of thousands. Really gives you that proud dick feeling.
Have your own Channel 4 home design show
I really can’t recommend anything better for the wellbeing of your old gentleman than presenting your own home design show on Channel 4 on a Wednesday evening. Such a flex. I’m strutting in front of those cameras like John Wayne with elephantiasis of the scrotum. You can definitely tell.