Johnson restricts MPs' second jobs to Telegraph columnist, writing Shakespeare book or Mayor of London

THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs are allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London. 

Boris Johnson has vowed to stamp out sleaze by banning MPs from consultancies, lobbying or any jobs that do not involve guesting on Have I Got News For You or speaking at the GQ awards.

He said: “Obviously certain positions enrich not only the individual but the very humours of Parliament, for example writing a weekly column for a right-leaning broadsheet stoking resentment about the EU. That’s to the whole nation’s benefit.

“And if a sitting MP, even one with a key ministerial position, were to write books about great Englishmen like Churchill or Shakespeare for 800 grand a time it would be churlish to stop him.

“Nor should we be short-changing our constituents with time-hungry second jobs. I was in my last year as Mayor when I became an MP so I could do it in my sleep by then. An hour a week running a major metropolis is plenty.

“But roles such as consultant to a sausage manufacturer where the politician is always hanging around the Commons harking on about sausages? They can go. I don’t do any of those.”

Backbench MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Typical of the prick. Now all I’ll have is the £2,000 a week I make dealing coke for Gove.”

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Why you're not paying enough rent, by your twat of a landlord

AS your landlord I have a duty of care to my bank account, and that’s why you’re spending over half your income to live in my tiny, shit flat. Here’s why it’s going up: 

It’s your responsibility to pay my mortgages

This seems to me obvious. When I’ve got a portfolio of 20 properties I can’t afford to hand out favours, and by stepping over the threshold of one of those properties you’ve taken on the responsibility to pay off a fraction of that debt for me. It sickens me that you’re trying to wriggle out of that.

You have your very own box room

I’ve gifted to you a bedroom which could double as a coffin within a shared flat that was once half a floor of a big house, badly subdivided into many small L-shaped compartments. This is, frankly, a huge luxury and luxury costs.

I once arranged for something to be fixed after being hassled for months

Remember in February, when I organised for one of the 10 maintenance problems you email to me every week to be half-arsedly attended to? So I’ll need a 15 per cent increase in rent to reflect my tireless work. Ok, it didn’t ‘actually get fixed’ but that is not my problem.

There is at least one appliance

Yes, the fridge I have kindly provided to you at my own expense had 12 owners before it came here, has never been cleaned and doesn’t really chill as such, but you’ve got a fridge haven’t you? Stop moaning about ‘potential biological hazards’. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s ingratitude.

You still have money left

I’ve seen you, eating Aldi cereal and watching your parents’ Netflix. You’re living the high life and it’s selfish. It’s only right that I take all your spare income, not just the vast majority of it. If you’re not spending the last week of your month surviving on mere dust and a healthy dose of panic then you’ve got too much money. Give it to me.