The dull-as-f**k shit you get excited about in your 30s

ONCE you turn 30 you’re boring and only boring things thrill you. These are the punishingly dull things you now find fascinating: 

Early nights

Being tucked up by half-ten seemed ludicrous in your 20s, when common wisdom was exhaustion needed to be binge-drunk through. But now the very thought is more tantalising than a coke-fuelled orgy. And, like said orgy, it remains an impossible dream because either your partner’s nagging you for a shag or you have Twitter scrolling to do.

Good drying weather

Sunshine sends adrenaline pumping through your veins because of the rush of hanging damp laundry out for a proper dry. Fastening the pegs in place with your hands trembling with ecstasy, you sit back to watch the drying process in action. You’re living the dream.

Interest rates

Once so abstract and inconsequential that just thinking about them drove you insane with boredom, now you sneak off to your office bathroom for a glimpse at what APR you’re eligible for if you switch credit cards. Your colleagues know what you’re doing, and they think it’s disgusting.


The sickness of finding pleasure in running 26.2 miles can strike people in their late twenties, but once you enter your third decade it’s inescapable. Training, sponsorship, costumes, the whole deal, all to get a sad echo of the highs you routinely used to get from smoking skunk.


Insipid chickpea mush is the only food your taste buds are capable of handling in your advanced years, so you’ve come to regard it with misplaced awe. ‘Is this the flavourless good shit from Waitrose?’ you’ll ask your host at a twatty dinner party before fainting from the sheer bland euphoria.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six fancy lunches that aren't anywhere near as good as a sausage roll

FEEL like treating yourself this lunchtime? Reckon you’ll give that new place a go? Don’t waste your time because no gourmet meal can beat a sausage roll: 

An £8 sandwich

It may be served on gorgeous sourdough and contain deluxe Italian cheese you’ve never heard of, but it’s too fancy to be big so you’ll be left unsatisfied and reaching for a packet of their £4.50 organic beetroot crisps, and still spend the afternoon hungry.

A seafood platter

Where better to celebrate a pitch gone well than an upmarket seafood place? Everyone knows where – Greggs. You’ll get more bang for your buck and you’re less likely to get the squits mid-afternoon.


The determination to prove to yourself that salad can be lunch never goes away despite a lifetime of disappointments. But still, driven by the urge to be healthy, you load up on exotic leaves and fresh dressings and declare it a marvellous lunch and recommend it to all your colleagues. Then at 3pm you nip out for a sausage roll.

A burrito bowl

So many choices of meat! That one has chorizo in it! Some of it’s got on your tie! Jesus, are there jalapeños in this? It didn’t say that on the menu! You know where you can get one single unspiced meat that’s guaranteed to be great? In a sausage roll.

A box of sushi

The main motivation to get this is so you can give your colleagues a smug ‘I’ve got sushi for lunch’ look. Why not replicate that feeling of cultural superiority by eating a sausage roll with chopsticks?

A steak

It’s on the company dollar, so you’re going to splash out on a fancy steak? Cliché much? Save yourself a fortune in sirloin and sides by choosing a main and carb all in one in the form of your old friend who’s never let you down, the sausage roll.