FROM starting out enthusiastically to wondering if the best solution is just to burn the house down, here are all the stages in having a spring clear-out.
Start with total enthusiasm
After a year stuck in the house amassing pointless crap that you’ve bought online without being able to get rid of any old stuff, it’s now time for a clear out and a massive charity shop run. You are committed to creating a minimalist environment that Marie Kondo would be proud of.
Feel twinges of early regret
It’s taken ages to get everything out of the wardrobe onto the bed and the only thing you’ve found to get rid of is a ball of wool from a misguided lockdown attempt to take up knitting. Start wondering if it will all go back in again and wish you’d watched Loose Women instead.
Have an extended break for nostalgic melancholy
Find some old photographs from school and spend ages gazing at them in a state of misty-eyed nostalgia, wondering if you would have been happier married to Jordan Gardner from woodwork class than your actual husband. Suddenly realise two hours have passed and it’s getting dark.
Wish you’d never f**king started
You’ve done nothing apart from make a massive mess and develop serious doubts about the state of your relationship. Get into a temper and start trying to shove everything back into the wardrobe, making it into even more of a disordered nightmare than it was before.
Consider burning the house down
Your crap seems to have magically multiplied and can’t be put away again, you’re knackered and you’re sobbing into a mug of neat gin. Find a stray lighter amongst the mess and seriously consider torching the house, collecting the insurance and starting again from scratch.