The five things you hate about your voice when you hear it recorded

THE sound of your own voice being played back is the sound of your illusions being torn away and realising you sound a twat. Let’s break down why: 

It’s too nasal

Even Bob Dylan would tell you your voice needs a bit more bass on the back-end. You’ll tell yourself that magnetic tape gives every voice that strange, pinched-nose sound, which would make sense if you weren’t listening back to a WhatsApp voice note recorded on your phone.

The monotone register

No wonder people don’t pay attention to a word you say. Your voice is flatter than a plate of piss and plods along without any change in intonation. Everyone’s probably learnt to tune it out in favour of something more exciting like the sound of the fridge humming away or the blood pressure pulsing around their ears.

Its speed

Your voice either zips along inaudibly fast like the rapper Twista, or it’s so slow that even the simplest of messages takes minutes to be spelled out in your excruciating drawl. This means you’ll have to listen to the recording of yourself multiple times to get the gist of what you’re saying. By the end of it you’ll wish you were mute.

Your loud breathing

As if your voice wasn’t insufferable enough, it’s punctuated by the sound of you gulping down huge mouthfuls of air. On the rare occasion that you remember to inhale through your nose it sounds like a vacuum struggling to suck up something caught in its nozzle. And the less said about the smacking noises your lips make the better.

It’s saying really stupid shit

If only its sound was the worst part of your voice. Once you get over how punishingly terrible it sounds, you’ll realise it’s saying f**king stupid words like ‘vibes’ and ‘non-fungible token’. Pity your friends and colleagues, they’re on the receiving end of this shitty voice every single day. Do everyone a favour and use it sparingly.

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Lovely old lady likes to go to the park and feed vermin

A SWEET pensioner’s favourite hobby is to visit her local park and throw food to its diseased pests.

Mary Fisher, 72, enjoys knitting blankets and playing bridge with her friends from the bowls club, but admits nothing beats the thrill of disappearing into a swarm of rodents and birds with a massive bag of bread crumbs.

Passer-by Francesca Johnson said: “I can understand throwing the odd scrap to the ducks. That’s standard old lady behaviour. But this park doesn’t have a duck pond, and instead she’s nurturing its population of increasingly fat vermin.

“The pigeons are now so obese they can barely fly, and the squirrels are getting so big that dogs on walks are intimidated by them. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t tear up the bread anymore, she’s feeding them full slice after full slice.

“I swear she’s the only reason the council has put up those ‘do not feed the animals’ signs. Not that they make any difference. She’s there day in, day out, disrupting the food chain while grinning like a weirdo.”

Fisher said: “I also feed the foxes in my front garden. It makes my neighbours livid, but they can’t say anything because I’m a sweet little old lady. It’s f**king hilarious.”