The five worst times to have an erection

OUTSIDE a very limited set of circumstances, becoming randomly aroused is a catastrophe for a man. Here’s when to dread it happening.

In a swimming pool

It’s all fun and games in the pool until you notice that you’ve become colossally indecent for no apparent reason. While your friends all lark about with a beach ball, you awkwardly shuffle around the deep end, hoping no one catches sight of your trunks and gets you a lifetime ban from Pontins.

On the bus

You’re approaching your stop and you’re coiled like a spring ready to hop off. Unfortunately, your genitals have other ideas. Fearing other passengers will band together, United 93-style, and attack the pervert if you stand up, you glumly stay seated and watch your stop speed by. At least it’s a circular bus route, so only 45 minutes until you’re back.

Getting a massage

You’ve finally caved and joined your partner on a spa weekend. Suddenly, while a large Bosnian gentleman is driving his elbows into your spine, you feel things kicking off. A relaxing experience becomes a terrifying 30 minutes, as you pray things settle down before you stand up and security gets called.

Hosting a meeting

Having spent weeks prepping your fascinating marketing ideas, you notice something stirring as you’re cueing up PowerPoint. You stand, half-hunched, trying to shield your shame with some notes, worrying the next time you’ll be in the conference room will be for a HR tribunal.

Yoga class

‘Wear loose-fitting, light trousers’, they say. Never will you regret a dress code so much as when, in the middle of your downward dog, you feel your twig and berries twitching. Best cut your losses, and get your awakened chakra out of there before you become a write-up in the local paper.

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Tory sleaze scandal not sexy enough, says public

THE Tory sleaze scandal does not have as much knee-trembling action as its name suggests, according to a disappointed public.

Owen Paterson’s lobbying breaches and Sir Geoffrey Cox’s office use are corrupt and shameful, but there is not enough raunchy behaviour for it to be classed as ‘sleaze’ in the eyes of Brits.

Voter Donna Sheridan said: “All this talk of sleaze made me think a Tory MP had got their leg over, like the Profumo affair or when David Mellor somehow had sex. Instead it’s just about boring, unsexy money.

“The press should be more vigilant with their reporting. Sleaze is the sort of word you’d associate with an adult video shop and shouldn’t be used lightly to describe legal work conducted in the British Virgin Islands while skipping votes.”

Tom Booker said: “Whenever I see the word ‘sleaze’ splashed across the front page I get excited because there might be a grainy photo of a thigh or a cheeky flash of a bottom. 

“I expected at least a call girl and some mild spanking. So imagine my disappointment when it’s page after page of old white men’s faces. That’s not getting my rocks off.

“Although I’m still nauseous from that video where Matt Hancock locks lips with his aide, so maybe it’s for the best none of those money-grabbing scumbags are getting any.”