OUTSIDE a very limited set of circumstances, becoming randomly aroused is a catastrophe for a man. Here’s when to dread it happening.
In a swimming pool
It’s all fun and games in the pool until you notice that you’ve become colossally indecent for no apparent reason. While your friends all lark about with a beach ball, you awkwardly shuffle around the deep end, hoping no one catches sight of your trunks and gets you a lifetime ban from Pontins.
On the bus
You’re approaching your stop and you’re coiled like a spring ready to hop off. Unfortunately, your genitals have other ideas. Fearing other passengers will band together, United 93-style, and attack the pervert if you stand up, you glumly stay seated and watch your stop speed by. At least it’s a circular bus route, so only 45 minutes until you’re back.
Getting a massage
You’ve finally caved and joined your partner on a spa weekend. Suddenly, while a large Bosnian gentleman is driving his elbows into your spine, you feel things kicking off. A relaxing experience becomes a terrifying 30 minutes, as you pray things settle down before you stand up and security gets called.
Hosting a meeting
Having spent weeks prepping your fascinating marketing ideas, you notice something stirring as you’re cueing up PowerPoint. You stand, half-hunched, trying to shield your shame with some notes, worrying the next time you’ll be in the conference room will be for a HR tribunal.
‘Wear loose-fitting, light trousers’, they say. Never will you regret a dress code so much as when, in the middle of your downward dog, you feel your twig and berries twitching. Best cut your losses, and get your awakened chakra out of there before you become a write-up in the local paper.