FANCY one last shag as your relationship ends? It’s not a terrible idea, honest, so here’s how to go about it.
Think of a bullshit reason
Doing it ‘for old time’s sake’ is a bit of cliche, so you need ‘closure’. Or it’s a ‘beautiful’ way of saying goodbye. Actually you’re desperately angling for a shag as you’re terrified of when the next one will be. 2030? Never?
Do something absolutely nauseating
Your ex may have a stuffed toy knocking around. If you can keep your dinner down, put on a cutesy voice and say ‘Mr Bear wants a special cuddle’. It’s a gamble – they’ll either think you’re a manipulative bastard, or Mr Bear has weirdly been your wingman and got you laid.
Beg pathetically
If all else fails, keep asking for sex until your sheer patheticness makes them put you out of your misery. But don’t sound like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. That could backfire.
Remind them how good you were together
Paint a romanticised picture of the ‘good times’. Just hope they don’t recall the ‘other times’, which were at best tedious and at worst non-stop rows. If they pedantically remember you drunkenly chatting up their fit friend in front of them you can wave that sex goodbye.
Assume you’ll get back together
A shag will make them call off splitting up, right? This insultingly assumes your ex is incapable of independent thought, and that you have mind-blowing sexual skills. Believing things like this is probably what got you dumped in the first place.
Have a good cry
You’ve got your break-up sex, but now you feel teary and sad. However, you’ve already humiliated yourself, so an unsexy, lonely blub in your underpants barely makes things worse.
