How to grovel with no dignity for break-up sex

FANCY one last shag as your relationship ends? It’s not a terrible idea, honest, so here’s how to go about it.

Think of a bullshit reason

Doing it ‘for old time’s sake’ is a bit of cliche, so you need ‘closure’. Or it’s a ‘beautiful’ way of saying goodbye. Actually you’re desperately angling for a shag as you’re terrified of when the next one will be. 2030? Never?

Do something absolutely nauseating

Your ex may have a stuffed toy knocking around. If you can keep your dinner down, put on a cutesy voice and say ‘Mr Bear wants a special cuddle’. It’s a gamble – they’ll either think you’re a manipulative bastard, or Mr Bear has weirdly been your wingman and got you laid. 

Beg pathetically 

If all else fails, keep asking for sex until your sheer patheticness makes them put you out of your misery. But don’t sound like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. That could backfire.

Remind them how good you were together

Paint a romanticised picture of the ‘good times’. Just hope they don’t recall the ‘other times’, which were at best tedious and at worst non-stop rows. If they pedantically remember you drunkenly chatting up their fit friend in front of them you can wave that sex goodbye.

Assume you’ll get back together 

A shag will make them call off splitting up, right? This insultingly assumes your ex is incapable of independent thought, and that you have mind-blowing sexual skills. Believing things like this is probably what got you dumped in the first place.

Have a good cry

You’ve got your break-up sex, but now you feel teary and sad. However, you’ve already humiliated yourself, so an unsexy, lonely blub in your underpants barely makes things worse.

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Shitfaced Labour MP on piss-up tour of Gibraltar gives party 10-point poll lead

LABOUR and SNP MPs who were so pissed when they arrived for an event in Gibraltar that one was in a wheelchair have sent their parties soaring in the polls. 

The group were apparently ‘already pretty f**ked-up’ while boarding the plane but heroically drank through it and arrived in the British territory so hammered they could barely see. 

Nathan Muir of Portsmouth said: “Apparently it was for Armistice Day, and if that’s not a great excuse for a piss-up I don’t know what is. 

“The Scots staggered off the plane, toasting the fact they’d got the Labour lass so paralytic they had to push her in a wheelchair, and they all headed off for a round-the-Rock pub crawl. There’s pictures of them wrecked smoking fags with monkeys. 

“Now that’s the kind of politician I can relate to. None of this ‘earning £6 million as a lawyer’ or ‘being a great constituency MP’. Getting helplessly, hopelessly drunk before you’ve even landed on your city break? It could be me. 

“I thought Boris was a man of the people. But when has he ever been arrested for urinating in the Fontana del Nettuno during a stag do to Florence, not even missed by the rest of the party until the plane home? Never.” 

Sir Keir Starmer said: “Does Jacob Rees-Mogg have a ‘Magaluf Lads on Tour 04’ tattoo on his arse? Because I do. And I’m ready to show it.”