SOME celebrities get right on the nation’s tits, and these have mercifully shut their gobs for a bit. But when will they be back?
Bono
Without a studio album for almost four years, we should brace ourselves for a nasty dose of Bono. The orange-spectacled one was last seen trying to save the world from coronavirus, he’s that amazing. But we were all too busy watching Tiger King to give two shits.
David Walliams
He’s been quiet, but it’s nearly Christmas which means two things: a Covid surge and a Walliams bestseller. Which vaguely Roald Dahl knock-off will be shitting money for him this year? ‘Colin and the Massive Conker’, ‘The Prontosaurus’ or ‘The Lollipop Lady Who Knew Kung Fu’?
Gary Barlow
The man desperate to be Sir Gary has kept his head down a bit since all that tax-related unpleasantness. But if anyone can unite a troubled nation after Covid, Gary probably thinks he can. Take That will be back, with holograms if the others can’t be arsed.
Russell Brand
The egotistical pork swordsman hasn’t done anything since… well, a historian might know. This is clearly the eye of the storm and he’ll be back with turgid activism in the form of equally turgid comedy. That or another sequel to his ‘Booky Wooky’. Let’s just hope no one gives a f**ky wooky.
Heather Mills
The former Mrs McCartney hasn’t pissed anyone off for ages. It must be hell for her, so expect a meltdown and/or some desperate self-promotion – maybe revealing Ringo was the talented one who wrote all the songs. At least Yoko did some art, sort of.
Lily Allen
No memorable hits since the noughties, but Lily has kept busy getting married to that bloke off Stranger Things and selling her ‘own’ range of vibrators. Chances are the professional London bird will soon be back on top – of everything except the charts.
