Gary Barlow and other annoying as f**k celebrities who haven't piped up for a bit

SOME celebrities get right on the nation’s tits, and these have mercifully shut their gobs for a bit. But when will they be back?


Without a studio album for almost four years, we should brace ourselves for a nasty dose of Bono. The orange-spectacled one was last seen trying to save the world from coronavirus, he’s that amazing. But we were all too busy watching Tiger King to give two shits.

David Walliams 

He’s been quiet, but it’s nearly Christmas which means two things: a Covid surge and a Walliams bestseller. Which vaguely Roald Dahl knock-off will be shitting money for him this year? ‘Colin and the Massive Conker’, ‘The Prontosaurus’ or ‘The Lollipop Lady Who Knew Kung Fu’? 

Gary Barlow 

The man desperate to be Sir Gary has kept his head down a bit since all that tax-related unpleasantness. But if anyone can unite a troubled nation after Covid, Gary probably thinks he can. Take That will be back, with holograms if the others can’t be arsed.

Russell Brand 

The egotistical pork swordsman hasn’t done anything since… well, a historian might know. This is clearly the eye of the storm and he’ll be back with turgid activism in the form of equally turgid comedy. That or another sequel to his ‘Booky Wooky’. Let’s just hope no one gives a f**ky wooky.

Heather Mills 

The former Mrs McCartney hasn’t pissed anyone off for ages. It must be hell for her, so expect a meltdown and/or some desperate self-promotion – maybe revealing Ringo was the talented one who wrote all the songs. At least Yoko did some art, sort of.

Lily Allen

No memorable hits since the noughties, but Lily has kept busy getting married to that bloke off Stranger Things and selling her ‘own’ range of vibrators. Chances are the professional London bird will soon be back on top – of everything except the charts.

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Why I'm appalled society has moved on in the last half century, by John Cleese

WHEN I started out in comedy, hitting someone with a fish or pretending to be a camp gay man was the height of hilarity. Now people have stopped finding me funny and the only explanation can be ‘woke’.

I built a career on mocking foreigners and included racist slurs in scripts. I was actually satirising bigots and it just happened to get a massive laugh. I’m not a racist, just a having-your-cake-and-eating-it-ist. 

And why don’t people think the parrot sketch is funny anymore? Is it that after 52 years the world has changed and it’s like showing a sketch from the First World War in 1969 and expecting everyone to find it somehow relevant?

No, it’s all down to people being woke. People claim it means being alert to injustice in society but actually it means not finding silly walks funny, the snowflakes.

So I’ve decided not to speak at Cambridge Union this week because someone was blacklisted for doing an impression of Hitler, just like I did in my cutting edge comedy Fawlty Towers 45 years ago.

So yes, I’ve cancelled myself. Oh, does that make me woke? Bugger.