The four types of freaks who are loving lockdown

LOCKDOWN? Thriving on it mate. Meet the four types of weirdo who actually like this: 

Catching Up On My Admin

That unanswered email from 2017 can finally be dealt with by this anal loser, grateful to sit at their desk and actually ping off some emails for once. They’ve never been more on top of their admin. And to these people friendship is admin, so expect some reconnecting messages shortly.

Getting Abs

This sick puppy is up at 6am chugging kale smoothies, going for a run, lunching on protein shakes, going for an illicit second run, then doing jumping jacks on the balcony in the evening. Avoid at all costs. And consider dobbing them in for that second run.

Arts and Crafts

To be fair, one freedom offered by our current situation is you get to f**k off work and try being creative for a living without actually committing to it. But this eccentric creep’s Etsy store selling hand-sequinned felt isn’t your problem. You’ve not bought a single item and you never will.

The Novelist

This reprehensible mutant has already planned a novel about, guess what, a pandemic. Yes, that’s right, they’re determined to be the first to get literature published about this time, and have you checked out their blog yet?

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Dominic Raab's guide to the Britain he's just now finding out about

AS acting leader of Britain, I’m in a state of near-constant shock about what I didn’t know about it. Here’s a few things I learned just yesterday: 

America is 4,242 miles away

My first call was to President Trump, to get a few masks and things sent over, as a favour. I was willing to pay the extra for Next Day Before 8am delivery, but apparently America’s four thousand miles away? Surely that will complicate trade deals?

Nurses don’t get paid much

Matt Hancock did such a wonderful job going after footballers, whose fault all of this surely is, so I thought I’d ask nurses to contribute 70 per cent of their salaries to the NHS, as a gesture. Then I found out their pay and crikey. I’ll have to work hard to forget that.

There aren’t any factories

I had this brilliant brainwave – the North. It’s full of cotton mills and factories so they can knock us up all the PPE we need in no time. Bet no-one else has even remembered the North. But I checked, and the factories are all closed, and we import everything? Uh?

Even Brexit can’t stop this

My next step? Bring forward Brexit. Once we’re no longer in the single market and customs union and all that the flow of coronavirus will simply stop. That’s just common sense. Though not according to medical experts. And all the other experts.

We import food

There’s loads of farms in Britain, I’ve been past them on trains. But when I gave the order to turn off the tap, stop exports and if Europe suffers so be it, I found out we actually import food? Not just BMWs and Audis? I wish someone had told me all this earlier. Why was it a secret?

I’ve got a receding hairline

More something I didn’t know Britain knew about me, because I thought I was getting away with it. But I’ve been running things two days and I’ve been called ‘slaphead’ four times. You people are cruel.