F**k off and leave us alone, say old people

OLD people have requested bored younger people to please f**k off and leave them alone.

Pensioners have asked family to stop Skyping, neighbours to stop knocking on every day offering help and kids to stop making them rainbows to put in their windows.

75-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Everyone suddenly can’t get enough of me. Well I didn’t like them before and I don’t like them now.

“First it was my family, all on the phone saying how terrible they feel that they can’t come and help. I had to bite back my ‘Don’t worry I’m used to it, I’ve seen none of you since Christmas.’

“Then it was the bearded millennial with the pierced face who lives in the flats up the road. He knocked on the door, stood back two metres and politely asked if I wanted any shopping. Bloody nerve.

“I get my exercise walking down the middle of the street because there’s no-one to stop me. I buy my groceries at 7am and if anyone comes close I’m allowed to hit them with my stick. I’m fine.

“Bugger off the lot of you before you give me that virus. The next person who disturbs me I’m calling the police.”

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'I'm still getting dressed every day' says absolute psychopath

A DERANGED psychopath is still wearing a different outfit every day for the benefit of literally nobody. 

Emma Bradford of Worthing lives alone and has no videoconferencing scheduled all week but is still putting on full outdoor clothes each morning to ‘feel normal’.

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “I spontaneously FaceTimed her, expecting a soup-stained bed T-shirt, hair halfway to dreadlocks and bloodshot, haunted eyes.

“Instead she had a nice chiffon blouse, a full face of makeup and I swear a blow dry. Even on her bottom half she had culottes. She showed me.

“When I asked why, she said ‘I like to look nice for myself.’ I thought we’d all agreed that was a lie, now? Then she asked when I last showered, with an insultingly quizzical tilt of the head.

“There’s nothing explicitly on the Hare psychopathy checklist about getting dressed every day. But she’s clearly a danger to our new mole-people society.”

Bradford said: “And I’m still ironing. And I’m keeping an Amazon man prisoner in my box bedroom.”