The insecure man's guide to what makes you look gay

BEING a straight man is all about having big muscles and an obsession with your penis. Anything else makes you look really gay, explains totally-not-gay man Tom Booker.

Showing emotion

Any emotion except anger makes you look weak and effeminate. At all times your face should be passive, illegible, as mysterious as the dark side of the moon like in that Mulan song. Not that I’ve watched it and memorised the words, obviously. That would be well gay.

Being well-groomed

If you’re concerned about your looks you might as well be stuffing a penis in your mouth. I let my barber take care of my appearance once a month and we talk about really manly things like football and boxing and we never look each other in the eye for fear of falling in love.

Hugging a man

A curt nod or at most a handshake is the only affection you should be showing another man. If you hugged you might notice how good their arms feel and imagine how nice it would be to sleep with them wrapped around you and you definitely don’t want that.

Eating the vegetarian option

Vegetables are women’s food, that’s why God made lots of them phallic shaped, not that I’ve noticed. I live on a pure meat diet that has wrecked my body but it’s worth it for looking straight. There’s nothing gay about ramming sausages into my gob during every meal.

Dating a woman

Courting a woman by buying her flowers and holding her hand in public is the gayest-looking thing you could possibly do. To avoid this trap I’ve downloaded Grindr and made lots of new burly friends. They’re coming round tonight and we’re going to hang out with no clothes on to prove how not gay we are. I hope they bring lube.

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Man's only personality trait is the fact he has a new car

A MAN has no clear personality apart from the fact that he has just bought another expensive car, friends have confirmed. 

Martin Bishop avoids complex issues like feelings, current affairs, opinions, popular culture and openness in favour of talking about his recent purchase of a Range Rover Evoque in ‘Indus silver’.

Friend Helen Archer said: “Despite knowing Martin for years, all I can be sure about him is that he has heated seats, keyless entry and can go 0-60 in 9.2 seconds.

“I’ve tried to get him to open up, but he was more interested in discussing the intelligent emergency braking. Also it was hard to hear him over Now That’s What I Call Driving Anthems at full blast on his 11-speaker stereo.”

Bishop said: “I think I may have displayed some ‘personality’ in the past. But I don’t like looking back, unless I’m using the Range’s rear parking camera with in-built motion sensors.

“I can change though. I’m pretty sure I felt a tiny glimmer of something which might have been ‘regret’ when I thought about how much the car was depreciating as I drove it off the forecourt.”

Bishop now plans to show more personality in the form of a hideously expensive personalised number plate that does not quite make sense, such as ‘B15H 6J’.