The media's guide to reporting government bullshit as if we're idiots

DO you believe the Tories are committed to their ‘green plan’? Of course not, but that doesn’t stop the media taking every word at face value. Here’s how they do it.

Never ask the very obvious question 

Take the green plan. An obvious question might be: “Do the Tories really care about the environment?” Or better still: “You believe green policies are Stalinist red tape and grassroots members want filthy hippy scum like Greta Thunberg to be put up against a wall and shot, so is this bollocks?” 

Focus on ‘Westminster bubble’ rubbish

Make the news about whether some principle-free careerist scumbag is likely to be replaced with a slightly different amoral yes-man. This is fine because you have the phone numbers of very important people and therefore are very important too.

Be bewilderingly naive 

If a government minister says “In the next year we intend to build 20 million affordable new homes costing just £250 each”, don’t say: “That sounds wildly overambitious. Is this just another government promise that won’t be kept?” Instead ask them: “Will people be able to choose the colour of their front door?” 

Look biased when in fact you’re just an idiot

If you work for the BBC, when some Brexit MP says “Yes, GDP will be halved but the important thing is getting our sovereignty back”, turn to the Remain guest and aggressively say “Isn’t it about time we got our sovereignty back?”. (That’s assuming you booked a Remain guest.)

Press the reset button every day

Never judge a politician by their 100 per cent consistent track record of being incompetent, an arrogant liar or surprisingly thick. Do not feel in any way embarrassed when saying things like “Are we about to see a new Boris Johnson?”.

Do not consult someone who understands the subject

This may come as a shock, but there are unbiased people with in-depth knowledge of subjects known as ‘academics’. If you’re discussing the single market, don’t speak to them and just interview your colleague the business editor who has a degree in Medieval Literature.

 

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I didn't realise slamming a civil servant's nuts in a drawer was considered 'bullying', says Priti Patel

PRITI Patel has confessed she had no idea that Chinese burns, nutsack drawer-slammings and regular wedgies were what the weak considered ‘bullying’. 

The home secretary faces allegations of what civil servants call bullying and she calls ‘robust motivational techniques’, including getting your briefcase thrown onto the roof and swirlies. 

She said: “So calling a senior civil servant a four-eyed pisswipe who shags his mum is ‘bullying’ now, is it? Well I didn’t know. 

“May I remind you that some of these people insist they are ‘politically neutral’ instead of backing Brexit to the absolute hilt? If that’s not provocation I don’t know what is. 

“Yes, perhaps I did flush the occasional lunch down the toilets. Perhaps a few pairs of glasses got stamped on. Perhaps copies of the ministerial code left on my desk, with key passages highlighted, were returned smeared with excrement. 

“But I am a strong, decisive woman who demands a lot of my employees, and I don’t apologise for that. Now come here. Me and my gang are going to throw you in the bins.” 

Conservative MP Eleanor Shaw said: “Priti is not a bully and is a kind, wonderful person. When I hear her coming I definitely do not hide in the toilets.”