GOING on holiday in the UK? Here are five dream destinations people won’t shut up about but which you’ll find deeply underwhelming.
The Lake District
When Wordsworth wrote about the glory and quiet solitude of the Lakes, he wasn’t dealing with a million arseholes in fleeces who’d had the exact same idea as him. Every town is a tourist trap and there are no hidden gems – just miserably crowded cliffsides. The vast amount of Peter Rabbit tat will provide a constant depressing reminder of the existence of James Corden.
If you love overpriced food and accommodation, as well as being surrounded by the slimiest subset of the middle classes, you’ll just adore Cornwall. Struggling to picture yourself there? Just imagine the Med without the culture or the weather. And everyone local thinking you’re sneering investment banker scum who should choke on a scone.
Sure, you might love the idea of snuggling up in a remote Scottish bothy with a whisky and no phone signal, but when the cold sets in and you’re confronted with the reality – that the nearest shop is 50 miles away and doesn’t get a toilet paper delivery until next month – you’ll be living in terror of breaking a leg and dying alone in a ravine, perhaps nibbled slowly to death by goats.
Once you’ve driven the five hours to get to the glorious sandy beach you saw online (Google says public transport would have taken you about six months), you’ll realise it’s nothing like the Caribbean because the Irish Sea is f**king freezing, and the closest they have to tropical cocktails is Bacardi Breezers at the local flat roof pub.
People who live in London never go to the West End, museums or any classic tourist destinations, because they’re shit, overpriced and could be done in a city that isn’t so overcrowded and filled with visible pollution. Enjoying hacking up your lungs as you stroll around Shrek’s Adventure. Also remember how the film was good but a knackering tourist trap with a bloke in green foam suit isn’t. Cheer yourself up with a so-so Chinese meal in Chinatown that you could have got anywhere in the UK.