The London Eye, and other things your London mates are too up themselves to visit

PLANNING to stay on an IKEA sofa in the tiny flat rented by a London mate? Here are six things they definitely won’t be going to during your visit.

The London Eye

With its majestic views of London’s iconic skyline, Big Ben and the Thames, there’s no way your poncey mate will be up for this. Although in fairness 25 quid to spend 30 minutes in a glass ball slowly filling up with other people’s farts is probably a stretch for their ‘young professional’ salary. You’ll have more chance of getting them to go on a historically bollocks Ripper Walk, which they’ll do ironically to sneer at the tourists.

Madame Tussauds

Your mate will turn their nose up at queuing for an hour among thousands of French school children to go and see some waxworks of Beyonce and The Rock. London is full of actual celebrities, they’ll remind you. So who have they seen during their five expensive years living there? Er… Sue Barker buying a sandwich in Pret and Steve Punt looking a bit confused on the Circle Line. Let’s hope they’d got their autograph book.


After rolling their eyes, your friend will explain Chinatown is where all the tourists go and it’s impossible to know which restaurants are any good. For f**k’s sake don’t suggest googling it because that would diminish their insider’s knowledge of London. So instead of authentic dim sum and crispy duck, they make you spend £27 for whatever the f**k a ‘smashburger’ is in a pop-up based in a draughty Peckham warehouse. Bon appetit.

The West End

One of the draws of London is the wealth of entertainment at your fingertips. Which your friend is way too cool to enjoy. The West End is for the mouth-breathers and you won’t be shopping on Oxford Street as it’s ‘all US candy shops now‘. And forget seeing Mrs Doubtfire: The Musical. You’re off to a tiny theatre in Camden which isn’t even licensed, although after an hour and a half of earnest hip hop dance-poetry-fusion you need a drink more than you’ve ever done in your life.

Buckingham Palace

This is off the list because your mate visited it on their first week in the city. It might be historically significant, but it’s a bit of a schlep from Victoria Station and crawling with tourists taking bad selfies. Plus they queued to see Liz lying in state, so your friend has ‘completed’ the monarchy. They might get out of it with some vague anti-royal sentiments, which will magically be forgotten if they ever get the chance to see lovely Kate in a big carriage.

M&M World

Actually they might have a point here. It is absolutely f**king dreadful.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman who drinks shitloads of wine surprisingly unknowledgeable about it

A WOMAN who has been drinking at least three bottles of wine a week for decades knows very little about it except that it comes in red, white and pink varieties.

Despite more than 20 years’ experience of guzzling wine, Donna Sheridan is still bizarrely unable to distinguish a medium-bodied Merlot from a fruity Cabernet Sauvignon.

Sheridan said: “If I had to name my favourite hobby, I’d have to say ‘wine’ because it is how I spend most of my free time. However, I’m not really down with the names and stuff.

“I mainly drink pink wines with animals on the label, although I’ve had House White several times and that’s very nice. I’ll even drink red in the appropriate circumstances, such as there not being any pink or white available.

“At a restaurant, I find you can’t really go wrong with cheapest on the menu. Some people like to go for the second cheapest, but I’m not some kind of wine snob.

“At home I generally plump for a cheeky little screw top. I admit I don’t know much about how to store and serve wine. Apparently, you should keep white wine in the fridge, but I’m not sure I understand the concept of ‘keeping’ wine. Maybe I need to go on one of those courses?

“I definitely don’t buy into the idea that certain wines should accompany certain foods. All three colours go perfectly well with a sharing bag of Quavers.”

Drinking buddy Joanna Kramer said: “Donna’s favourite variety is probably ‘Dregs of three different bottles all mixed together to make a nice big glass’. She’s a real wine buff.”