'Forget ruining all those people's lives, here's some Spice Girls stamps!' says Post Office

THE Post Office has asked you to forget about how it destroyed hundreds of people’s lives and focus on a fun new set of Spice Girls stamps instead.

The release of the commemorative set of Spice Girls stamps has been specially timed to distract from how the Post Office wrongly accused sub-postmasters and postmistresses of theft due to its dodgy computer system.

A Post Office spokesperson said: “You’re not still whingeing about that, are you? Look, here’s Geri, and she’s wearing her iconic Union Flag dress. You love that. She’s got tits.

“Why not pop in and pick up a set that will cost way more than you’d expect? Our friendly staff will ring it through the tills that no longer bankrupt them or destroy their families. We’ve learnt our lesson so let’s drop it and move on.

“There’s also no need to watch that drama about how we screwed over innocent people and our old CEO Paula Vennells got away with it. It’s on ITV anyway so it’s probably shit, don’t waste your time.

“Just gaze at that little picture of the Spice Girls performing at the London 2012 Olympic ceremony and feel the burning anger you have towards us leave your body. That feels better, doesn’t it?”

Member of Gen Z Ryan Whittaker said: “What’s a stamp? What the f**k is a Spice Girl?”

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I am not holding a spring election because I am scared, confirms Sunak

RISHI Sunak has confirmed he is delaying the general election until autumn because he is very much afraid he will lose it.

The prime minister told the country that he had considered a spring election until the prospect of losing hundreds of seats for the Conservatives caused him to soil himself.

He said: “The election was set for spring because the electorate loves voting Tory when blossom is on trees and lambs gambol in fields. It’s a recognised phenomenon.

“But then I checked the polls, looked over our record in power, saw the pathetic tax cuts Jeremy says are all we can afford, imagined being reduced to less than 100 MPs and I’m not ashamed to say I shat my pants.

“Labour are right to say I’m afraid to call an election. They do not go far enough: I’m f**king terrified. My balls have retracted into my body. I shudder and whimper if I hear May mentioned.

“So there will not be a spring election for the same reason I do not walk into Millwall pubs and declare their team to be puffs supported by tarts. If I can put off being beaten like a piñata for six months, I will.”

Keir Starmer said: “I would also kick shit out of Rishi in a fistfight. Look at the size of me compared to him. I’d steamroller the prick, and I’m a middle-class ponce who likes pretending to be in the army.”