All women on TV will be blokes: A gammon's gloomy predictions for 2024

WHAT trends can we expect in the new year, especially if you’re a gammon? Here Roy Hobbs takes a peek into the future and does not like what he sees. 

Beer will be sold in centilitres 

Despite the best efforts of sensible gammons to make businesses waste billions converting Britain back to the imperial system, the woke brigade will win out and get rid of pints. We’ll be forced to drink our Stella Artois and Heineken in confusing European metric volumes, which just isn’t right. It’s no exaggeration to say it will be like living in a dictatorship.

Football will be banned 

Along with anything else that brings straight white men, the most oppressed of all groups, any joy whatsoever. Sure, they’ll think of excuses like the risk of head injuries or a bit of harmless violence on the terraces, but the real reason is we’re not allowed to have fun. Expect further bans on darts, barbecues and watching James May’s Biggest Lorries

All women on TV will be blokes 

If Doctor Who is anything to go by, soon all women on telly will secretly be blokes. Of course they’ll say it’s about wanting to be comfortable in their own bodies or whatever, but transgender people are obviously only doing it to trick men like me into fancying them. Personally I don’t think they’ve been given enough grief about it recently, so it’s time to ban them and get back to proper TV birds like Melinda Messenger.

Sadiq Khan will become president for life 

People say gammons are irrationally obsessed with Khan, but he’s clearly a power-crazed maniac – who but a madman could have thought of ULEZ? I reckon he’ll take over and rename England ‘Everyonewelcomeland’, then he’ll give workshy scroungers massive salaries to sit at home, make you live in your shed so an asylum seeker can have your house, and probably ban pets. I’m not sure why he’d do any of this but he might. God I hate him.

My wife will leave me for a woman 

Not because she wants to, but because she’ll be brainwashed by short-haired feminist lesbians into a life of homosexuality. That’s never going to work because if two women get married who’ll reach things on the top shelf? Also they’ll spend all their time arguing over who gets to do the housework. 2023 was bad enough when I imagined I’d have to become a drag queen instead of a van driver, but if this is what 2024’s like I’m going to hibernate.

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Why it can be hard to tell if you're at a sex orgy. By Prince Andrew

SO now people are claiming I took part in one of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex orgies. But sometimes the situation is not as clear-cut as you might think. Let me explain.

It could be a naturist meeting

You might have stumbled on a group of people who simply enjoy the freedom of not wearing clothes and being in their natural state. In other words, you could be at an orgy and not realise it, which is clearly what happened to me, if I’d been there, which I wasn’t. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it.

It might be dark

If a room is not fully illuminated, it’s impossible to tell whether it’s full of people having sex with each other. So you might not even notice an orgy going on, especially if you were listening to music on earphones. So I think that pretty much proves I am completely innocent of everything.

You don’t wish to be rude

You might not be planning to have sex at an orgy, but if the host has gone to a lot of trouble – maybe they’ve made smoked salmon canapes or bought some pricey M&S mini-burgers – it would be incredibly rude not to have sex with someone. That’s not really taking part in an orgy, it’s just having good manners.

Maybe they’re just exercising 

If you’ve ever worked out with a personal trainer, you’ll know some of them can get pretty hands-on. Admittedly I’ve never heard of them exercising your penis, but it’s still possible that what looks like an orgy is actually just people getting in shape. I’m not an expert, the person you need to be asking is Joe Wicks.

It depends on your understanding of the word ‘orgy’

I’d say an ‘orgy’ has to be a proper Roman one with grapes and togas which takes place in about 50 BC. So I can categorically say I did not have sex at an orgy. My lawyer will be furious when he finds out I’ve brilliantly got myself off the hook without needing his help.

Everyone could have just got out of the bath

No one has a bath in their clothes. If I saw a group of naked people I wouldn’t think ‘That’s an orgy’, I’d think ‘All those guests just got out of the bath at the same time, became lost in Mr Epstein’s sizeable villa and are now looking for the towels’. That’s definitely what I’d think.

They could be alien shapeshifters

If you’ve ever seen Species with Natasha Henstridge you’ll realise that aliens tricking humans into mating with them is a real possibility, but that’s not having sex because it’s not human sex. I realise this sounds a bit desperate, but bear in mind I am not the sharpest tool in the box and I went on TV to claim I’d lost the ability to sweat, which would make any normal person immediately seek medical help.