The manipulative bastard's guide to putting people on the spot

ARE you always asking people for hugely annoying favours like driving you to Heathrow at 3am or helping you move your incredibly heavy furniture to a new flat?

If so, you’ve probably noticed they sometimes try to get out of it. Here’s how to put them on the spot and make them do exactly what you want.

Pile on the guilt

Reel off a list of any recent upsets or personal tragedies. Maybe your uncle died, or your goldfish. Be as pathetic as possible.

Also remind them of any favours you’ve done them, even if they’re in no way comparable, eg. “Yes, I know it’s a pain putting up my weird friend I met in a chat room for 10 days, but I did once lend you an umbrella.”

Ailments are also good. What kind of monster would say ‘no’ to you after you’ve just gone on blood pressure tablets? That’s practically murder.

Ask in front of people

Make sure there’s an audience to put pressure on the other person to look kind and decent, even if your request is pretty fucking unreasonable.

If asking them online, copy others into your message or mention it on their Facebook wall. In real life bring a small child who will burst into tears if they say no. (If you don’t have any children just borrow one and bribe them with cheap chocolate.)

This will immediately ensure they do things like look after your cat at short notice while you have a bargain week in Spain.

Do your research

If you’re hassling someone to do something on a specific date, scope out their schedule in advance. You can do this by checking Facebook, asking their loved ones or hacking into their Google calendar.

If, for example, you want a friend to be basically an unpaid slave at a party you’re organising, make sure they have no prior commitments preventing them from dealing with sausage rolls while you gaily socialise.

That way if they try to fob you off by saying they’re busy you can safely call them out for being a devious, conniving bastard.

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Energy drinks maker launches 'Hyper Anxiety' flavour

A COMPANY has launched an ‘anxiety flavoured’ energy drink for people who want the taste of how they feel.

MegaBoost UK Ltd created the groundbreaking drink by combining a huge hit of caffeine and sugar with jarring flavours including chilli, metal and stale urine.

Managing director Tom Booker said: “The taste alone will have you buzzing with tension even before the ingredients have started wreaking havoc on your internal organs.

“The incredible taste of Hyper Anxiety comes from combining flavours no sane person would want in their mouth together, such as copper, cheese, caustic soda and dandelions.

“We’ve increased the caffeine and sugar to ensure every can is a sickly chemical syrup that tastes of nothing natural – which is exactly how our customers like it.”

Energy drink fan Wayne Hayes said: “One sip sends you into a panic, then when the caffeine kicks in you just want to run and never stop running like you’re being chased by demons.

“I’m definitely switching brands from Red Bull.”