Your guide to voting in the local elections

TODAY millions of Britons are proudly exercising their hard-won democratic right to vote in the local elections, or more probably staying in with a ready meal and Police Interceptors.

So if you’re diligently trogging round to your old primary school to vote, what should you do? Read our guide.

Don’t vote on totally irrelevant issues

Try to base your vote on local issues, or at least actual UK politics. Don’t give Labour councillors in Crewe a kicking because you’re angry about Iraq. It’s unlikely Blair got them to fire the cruise missiles.

Do not vote for tiresome joke candidates

All elections throw up a small number of deeply unfunny ‘joke’ candidates, eg. ‘King Roddy Noddy Ploddy and the League of Tall Diddymen’. For Christ’s sake don’t encourage them.

Avoid the single issue nutters

Madster parties like the BNP tend to produce crap councillors who don’t turn up to meetings. Although if you’re anticipating a global race war masterminded by the Jews it’s easy to see that you might de-prioritise wheelie bin collections.

Be nice to polling station workers

Most are volunteers working late for free, so be courteous to them. This includes not sharing your bizarre conspiracy theory that they secretly dump all the ballot papers ‘for the government’.

Take an interest in the regional mayoral elections

Actually this is a bit of a stretch for anyone. Just vote for the candidate with the best name.

If you can’t be arsed to vote, don’t claim it’s some sort of protest

If you can’t be bothered, don’t claim you’re “disenfranchised from the political process” or similar. Being a bit hacked off with politics and staying in to watch Eastenders doesn’t make you Steve Biko.

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Are you confident or just a cock?

ARE you comfortable in your own skin, or just an obnoxious bastard? Take our test to find out.

1. What is your morning routine?

A. Breakfast, shower, the usual.

B. Apply pheromone spray, check LinkedIn on your phone in case of any exciting updates and then have a ‘power wank’ in the mirror.

2. How to you think your colleagues perceive you?

A. I hope I’m generally well-liked.

B. As a lion, like in the Katy Perry song. Or is it a tiger? Definitely a large carnivore. Not a fox though, because foxes look a bit manky.

3. How do you respond if a colleague falls over carry a large tray of hot drinks?

A. Ask them if they’re okay and tell them pick it up.

B. Take the piss out of them using a hilarious line like ‘that’s what I call a tea break!’ then just stand there laughing while they struggle to sort themselves out.

4. What do you know about steaks?

A. I think there’s fillet steak and rump steak although I’m not sure of the difference.

B. I have a whole book that’s just about steaks. It’s actually my favourite book. I love talking about steaks and have a diagram of a cow on my bedroom wall at my mum’s house.

Mostly As: You seem to be self-assured, but at a tolerable level.

Mostly Bs: Everyone hates you.