The middle class guide to a working class Halloween

YOUR Halloween celebrations speak volumes about your social class. Here middle class mum Ellie Shaw tells you how to avoid looking terribly common.

Don’t fill your house with Poundland tat

Working class people love light-up spiders, nylon cobwebs and cheap animatronic ghosts from Poundland or some other bargain hellhole. Frankly they deserve it if a flashing LED pumpkin catches fire and they all go up in a fireball of toxic plastic fumes.

Stick to the theme of Halloween

Plebeians do not realise that All Hallows Eve is about witches and the supernatural, and mix their cultural references horribly. If someone turns up to one of my Halloween parties dressed as the Joker or Woody from Toy Story I tell them to leave and not come back until they look passably like a zombie.

It isn’t Bonfire Night

I wish common folk would desist from setting off endless fireworks. It completely ruins the spooky atmosphere of me brilliantly reading an Edgar Allan Poe short story by candlelight to my children Anton and Portia, which is both educational and enormously fun.

Halloween is NOT about getting drunk 

Halloween, or the ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain as I like to call it, is not just an excuse to drink gallons of Stella Artois. It’s about reflecting on concepts of mortality, rebirth and our pagan past. Admittedly last year I threw up on our dog dressed as Dracula, but that’s different because it was a £14.99 Sardinian Soave.

The horrors in their gardens

A distressing trend I’ve noticed is large plastic skeletons, which they no doubt refer to as ‘skellingtons’, and inflatables of Frankenstein’s monster or similar. By contrast my M&S sausage rolls shaped like mummies just scream ‘sophistication’.

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Corbyn supporter sure he can still win the next election

A SUPPORTER of Jeremy Corbyn firmly believes he can bounce back from losing the 2019 election, resigning as leader and being suspended from the party yesterday. 

Student Tom Logan feels Corbyn’s suspension is a temporary setback in his political hero’s quest to bring genuinely socialist policies to a grateful British public.

Momentum member Logan said: “All Jezza has to do is contest the suspension, win, get nominated for the next leadership contest, win, fight the 2024 election, win, and everything’s sorted.

“When you’ve got as much integrity as Jeremy that should be piss-easy. His policies are brilliant. The only reason people didn’t vote for them was because they didn’t understand them.

“There’s the slight problem that most of the Labour party is sick of him, he’s not very competent and he attracts hard-left wankers who like ranting about Zionism. But that’s just detail.

“The only reason Jeremy isn’t prime minister right now is the right-wing press. And Labour centrists. Starmer should f**k off and join the Tories if he loves them so much.”

When asked about Corbyn’s position on Brexit, Logan went quiet for a long period before adding: “I’m sure he likes the EU really.”