YOUR Halloween celebrations speak volumes about your social class. Here middle class mum Ellie Shaw tells you how to avoid looking terribly common.
Don’t fill your house with Poundland tat
Working class people love light-up spiders, nylon cobwebs and cheap animatronic ghosts from Poundland or some other bargain hellhole. Frankly they deserve it if a flashing LED pumpkin catches fire and they all go up in a fireball of toxic plastic fumes.
Stick to the theme of Halloween
Plebeians do not realise that All Hallows Eve is about witches and the supernatural, and mix their cultural references horribly. If someone turns up to one of my Halloween parties dressed as the Joker or Woody from Toy Story I tell them to leave and not come back until they look passably like a zombie.
It isn’t Bonfire Night
I wish common folk would desist from setting off endless fireworks. It completely ruins the spooky atmosphere of me brilliantly reading an Edgar Allan Poe short story by candlelight to my children Anton and Portia, which is both educational and enormously fun.
Halloween is NOT about getting drunk
Halloween, or the ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain as I like to call it, is not just an excuse to drink gallons of Stella Artois. It’s about reflecting on concepts of mortality, rebirth and our pagan past. Admittedly last year I threw up on our dog dressed as Dracula, but that’s different because it was a £14.99 Sardinian Soave.
The horrors in their gardens
A distressing trend I’ve noticed is large plastic skeletons, which they no doubt refer to as ‘skellingtons’, and inflatables of Frankenstein’s monster or similar. By contrast my M&S sausage rolls shaped like mummies just scream ‘sophistication’.