Friday, 4th December 2020

Five things no Daily Mail reader can live without

LOVE the fascist rantings of the Daily Mail? Want the lifestyle that goes with it? Here are five things that no true Mail fan should be without. 

Multivitamins

Every week a new vitamin will halve your chance of getting cancer and double your sperm count, so your best bet is buying a pack of A-Z multivitamins and taking twice the recommended amount. You should also have plenty of red wine and coffee, because these have miraculous properties too, or might kill you, depending on which story you read.

A pair of jackboots

Perfect for long rambles in the great British countryside. You can even imagine you’re marching into Poland. Shiny jackboots are hard-wearing and a great conversation starter — if you like conversations about what the Nazis got right and World War 2 in general.

Binoculars

Daily Mail readers love checking on their neighbours to make sure they’re not being too LGBT+ or Eurocentric, so binoculars are essential. Get high-powered ones so you can see the ratio of British food to foreign muck in your neighbours’ kitchens. 

A time machine

Set the clock to ‘When Britain was great’ and be transported back to a world where Churchill was in Downing Street, children minded their manners and no-one had heard of avocados. You’ll probably meet the Famous Five roaming the land looking for criminal gypsies and your local newsagent will be a white bigot. Lovely. 

A figure-hugging bikini to flaunt your curves

Daily Mail readers are news junkies, so an American reality TV star visiting the beach definitely deserves to make the front page. Do your own bit by ‘embracing your curves’ in barely-there swimwear – or give it to a young female relative who other Daily Mail readers can perv over.