The middle-class guide to dogging

PUBLIC sex with strangers is nothing to be ashamed of, but class differences can still make the atmosphere in the car park rather awkward. Elevate your dogging thus: 

Take the Range Rover

With heated leather seats, an air suspension system and auto locking capabilities, your Range Rover Evoque is the perfect vehicle to copulate against with a malodorous man twenty years your senior. Are those coos of admiration for your performance, or your vehicle?

Bring M&S nibbles

Attract the more discerning woodland perverts with a sun-dried tomato antipasti skewer, washed down with a refreshing glass of pink Sicilian lemonade. You’ll feel so sophisticated passing them around as you watch a couple going at it to raucous cheers.

Wear a Cath Kidston gimp mask

If you’re concerned about anonymity or coronavirus, simply mask up. The delicate, floral patterns of Cath Kidston will single you out as somebody with disposable income and provide perfect camouflage from the authorities when you’re on all fours in an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

Visit drive-in open-air theatre

Diversify your dogging by visiting to a live performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream to find like-minded rich and randy individuals. They’ll be up for it because anything rather than a Shakespeare comedy, and how witty to be knobbing just as Bottom and Titania are.

Pop some fizz afterwards

No need to all drive off, furtive and ashamed. Open the boot and pop a few bottles of prosecco, bought by the case, and do a little post-mortem of the evening. Marks out of ten, anyone? So kind.

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Woman who seeks joy in the little things is an insufferable prick

A WOMAN capable of finding wonder in all life’s hidden gifts is an absolutely unbearable tosspot. 

Since becoming aware of the magic and joy of every moment in this marvellous world, Nikki Hollis has exhausted everyone around her by reeling off trite phrases about the delight of the present moment and buying herself flowers.

Hollis said: “I can’t even relate to how I used to live. Never pausing to appreciate the magic in each key on my computer keyboard, the timbre of a tantruming child’s screams, the wonder that is salad dressing.

“Since I started following the advice of the inspirational quotes on my fridge, every second is individual and wonderful.

“From the moment my boyfriend said ‘I’m leaving you,’ to when my best friend said ‘Are you on f**king drugs?’ they’re all equally stunning. And now I have so much more time to be alone with my gratitude journal or to listen to the beat of my own heart.”

Ex-boyfriend Jack Browne said: “We’d go out for dinner and she’d close her eyes and tell me to be quiet so she could take in the experience of sipping her tap water. Then we’d have to watch the sunset. In Lewisham.

“I now appreciate every single second that she’s not with me. It’s beautiful.”