Middle-aged man in face mask trying to chat up checkout girl behind plastic screen

A MIDDLE-AGED man has decided that his face mask and an 8ft plastic screen are no barrier to chatting up a checkout girl in Tesco. 

Martin Bishop, aged 53, has spent many years ignoring hurdles such as women’s total disinterest and his unblemished record of failure so is not about to let inaudibility and a virus-proof screen put him off.

Bishop said: “I said to her, ‘Don’t be fooled, it’s not Tom Hardy in that Batman film, it’s me.’ Then I repeated it, then I repeated it again. Then I said ‘You can’t tell love, but I’m smiling.’

“She asked me to put my card on the pinger, which I interpreted as encouragement. So I said ‘Hot enough, eh?’ because she seemed a little bit slow and I wanted to give her an easy in.

“Then she asked if I was paying cash, and sighed when I started counting my coins out, and I said ‘You’re like Snow White in her glass box!’ and she sighed again so I knew I was getting through.

“It was classic banter. British conversation at its finest. Take that, Covid. You can’t stop this island’s sense of fun.”

Checkout girl Hannah Tomlinson said: “They say that all these online orders are going to get rid of our jobs. Sooner the f**king better.”

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'Who here likes wasps?' asks wasp

A WASP has entered a living room in the confident expectation that everyone there will be really pleased to see it. 

The common wasp spotted an open window and, keen to gather some appreciation for its black-and-yellow striped abdomen and pronounced buzz, headed inside.

It said: “Whoooh! I’m here, everybody! The sound of summer!

“Gonna stay nice and high at first, until I’m sure I’ve got everyone’s attention, then I’m planning some long, slow swoops just out of your field of vision.

“There, I knew everyone would be into me. You’ve all put down your iPads and your phones and you’re watching my every move. The showman’s in town.

“Hey hey, don’t get too close. Don’t try to get involved in the performance. And remember, no flapping or sudden movements. I can’t be held responsible for what happens if I panic. People get hurt.

“Okay guys, thanks for all the love, but gotta go! Was it this bit of the window I flew in through? No? This bit? This bit? No? Have to say, this is really pissing me off.”