Wednesday, 5th August 2020

The morning person's guide to being an insufferable twat

SPRING out of bed at the crack of dawn? The world hates you. Here’s how morning twats make life a living hell for the rest of us:

Chide people for not being up at 5am

When your bleary-eyed housemates finally rise from their pits at 8am, greet them with an ironic ‘good afternoon’ as you passive-aggressively sip coffee. What did you do with your extra three hours? Sit there waiting?

Prepare breakfast loudly

Quietly pouring milk over Cheerios won’t cut it. Clatter around the kitchen slamming cupboard doors, whizz up a breakfast smoothie, and crank up your Spotify playlist of rave classics to deprive your whole street of precious REM sleep.

Talk about how much you’ve already achieved

Bake a cake or go for a run before the sun rises then wake everyone up posting on Instagram. Late risers will wearily call you a twat before they’re even out of bed. For best results, do on a Sunday.

Make it your identity

Call yourself an early bird and everyone who wakes up later a night owl, then use this to judge their character like a Myers-Briggs interviewer. You’re better and they’re inhuman scum, so hide your self-satisfaction behind a sub-Priti Patel smirk.

Complain about noise at 8pm the night before

Expect everyone to put on the subtitles and talk in whispers after you retire at 7pm. Wear a sleeping mask to drive home the point that you’re getting your shut-eye, ready to repeat your pantomime of moral superiority first thing tomorrow.