'I've just taken the bins out', and other ways to tell your partner you're not up for a shag

NOT interested in any hanky-panky tonight? Want to let your partner down gently? Try these perfectly reasonable ways of getting out of it: 

‘I’ve just taken the bins out’

Bins are dirty, and those who touch the bins are dirty, and those who touch those who touch the bins are dirty, and it’s an invisible filth that can never be scrubbed away. Mention you’ve done the bins and you’re an outcast until at least tomorrow.

‘I have to get up really early’

A classic of the genre, this is a succinct and failsafe way to shift the blame from yourself on to the forces of time. The only downside is that you will have to be out by 6am or your partner might suspect that something’s amiss. Slam the door hard to drive the point home.

‘I feel bloated’

The perfect get-out-of-sexual-intercourse-free card, provided you’ve stuffed enough at dinner. Groan and clutch at your stomach to convince your partner that sex with you tonight would be a slow and flatulent affair.

‘I’m worried the cat might be ill’

You need to be emotionally ‘in the zone’ for any forthcoming fornication. A sad glance at your happily dozing moggy while raising the spectre of ringworm proves that you’re not an unfeeling unavailable husk while making it insensitive to propose a quick f**k.

‘There’s a wasp nest in the garage’

If all else fails, bring out the big guns — a big gang of horrible wasps will strike fear into anyone’s genitals, and nothing’s more of a turn-off than spending a week’s wages on a call-out from the pest control man.

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All youthful hedonism must stop, old people agree

BRITAIN’S over-40s have agreed that young people enjoying themselves must be outlawed now that they can no longer join in.

Baby boomers who grew up on downers, uppers and cocaine have confirmed that it is different now and these kids on their hippy crack have to be stopped.

Bill McKay, aged 68, said: “I’m no fuddy-duddy. As a young hippy I went to the Isle of Wight festival because I believed in peace, sticking it to the man and smoking hash near-constantly.

“But while my memories are a little hazy, I’m pretty sure we settled for only sticking it to the man to a limited extent, tidied up after ourselves and were home early. Not like these kids, who are out of control.”

Former punk Julian Cook agreed: “Our motto was ‘get pissed and destroy’. But when we got pissed and destroyed we did so responsibly and always on licenced premises.

“We always played our Anti-Nowhere League records at a reasonable level and if anyone had offered us silver capsules containing dangerous substances like nitrous oxide as opposed to sensible ones like glue, we would have told the police.”

19-year-old James Bates said: “I hope I die before I get old. Then again I bet they did, too.”