The no-nonsense Northerner’s guide to spiritual wellbeing

‘WELLNESS’ is one of the buzzwords of the moment. Here straight-talking Northerner Roy Hobbs gives his advice on improving your spiritual health.

Yoga

If you ask me yoga is just martial arts for poofs. They’re always doing karate poses but never get round to having a scrap. Bunch of arse. You’ll be more spiritually uplifted by eating a pie.

Wellness

Gwyneth Paltrow is always going on about this but it’s obvious to me ‘wellness’ is just ‘not being ill’. If you haven’t got a broken leg or cancer, your wellness is fine. So stop talking rubbish, woman, and get some meat on your bones.

Spiritually stimulating travel

The Far East has broadened the mind of many a Westerner, but Morecambe is cheaper and you won’t get the squits. If you crave mental stimulation, read the Bible in your B&B or go on the dodgems.

Positive thinking

It’s important to look at life in a positive way. If you’re depressed or going through a difficult time, pull yourself together and be grateful you’re not working down t’pit.

Meditation

If you’ve got time to sit on your arse thinking about nothing, GET A BLOODY JOB. If you’ve already got a job, get another one. Then you’ll have plenty of money and you can sort out your karma with six pints of Boddingtons.

The search for deeper meaning in life

We’ve all fretted over existential questions like ‘Why am I here?’ but in my experience you’re probably just hungry. Have another pie.