The no-nonsense Northerner's guide to spiritual wellbeing

‘WELLNESS’ is one of the buzzwords of the moment. Here straight-talking Northerner Roy Hobbs gives his advice on improving your spiritual health.

If you ask me yoga is just martial arts for poofs. They’re always doing karate poses but never get round to having a scrap. Bunch of arse. You’ll be more spiritually uplifted by eating a pie.

Gwyneth Paltrow is always going on about this but it’s obvious to me ‘wellness’ is just ‘not being ill’. If you haven’t got a broken leg or cancer, your wellness is fine. So stop talking rubbish, woman, and get some meat on your bones.

Spiritually stimulating travel
The Far East has broadened the mind of many a Westerner, but Morecambe is cheaper and you won’t get the squits. If you crave mental stimulation, read the Bible in your B&B or go on the dodgems.

Positive thinking
It’s important to look at life in a positive way. If you’re depressed or going through a difficult time, pull yourself together and be grateful you’re not working down t’pit.

If you’ve got time to sit on your arse thinking about nothing, GET A BLOODY JOB. If you’ve already got a job, get another one. Then you’ll have plenty of money and you can sort out your karma with six pints of Boddingtons.

The search for deeper meaning in life
We’ve all fretted over existential questions like ‘Why am I here?’ but in my experience you’re probably just hungry. Have another pie.



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Rest of UK puzzled by tunnel linking Kent and Essex as they are identical

MOST of Britain is struggling to understand why a £6.8bn tunnel is being built to link Kent and Essex as the two are essentially identical. 

The new six-lane tunnel would stretch for 2.4 miles under the Thames just so boring Southerners who work in the City can go somewhere exactly the same as the place they just left. 

Mary Fisher of Manchester said: “What’s the point? Same fizzy beer, same flat green fields, same braying knobheads. They might as well build it in a loop so it comes out where it went in. 

“It’s like these people who differentiate north London and south London. It’s fucking London. Chicken shops and fancy dickheads. 

“If they’re building a tunnel, they should put it where there’ll be a real contrast. Say between Glasgow and Bristol, or Cardiff and civilisation. Make it worth the bother.” 

Julian Cook of Hythe, in Kent, said: “I agree this tunnel should not be built. We have nothing in common with those yahoos across the river. We are far superior. 

“And Surrey? Ugh. You can’t call that Britain.”