The Northern Lights, and other bucket list goals that aren't worth the trouble

WANT to tick one of these goals off your bucket list? Just do the tick and not the thing, because it’s shit:

The Northern Lights

It’s a long way to the Arctic Circle, and all the countries you go through charge £24 for a burger and chips. They’re also freezing. Then you load into a bus to go somewhere even colder, and usually the Northern Lights aren’t feeling it that night so you’ve wasted your time. If you do see them you’ll say they’re amazing, but only not to look a prime dick.

Swimming with dolphins

Imagine how dolphins talk to each other about it. The shame of a distant cousin who’s sunk so low he hangs around boats in Miami trading spiritual experiences for fish. Humans paying through the nose for five minutes with a raddled crack whore cetacean. It degrades you both.

Fly in a hot air balloon

Arising at dawn, you climb aboard a hot air balloon and float low over the Serengeti while a few wildebeest mill around below. It’s cold and slow and your abiding memory will be of two commodities managers talking loudly about how much each balloon ride must clear after overheads. You thought you saw an elephant but it was a Jeep filled with ivory poachers.

Visit an active volcano

There’s nothing better than climbing a burning mountain to gaze with watering eyes through smoke and sulphur at something that could kill you without even trying. For the few vague sparks you see you might as well have visited a Dudley iron foundry.

See Uluru

It’s pretty notable for sure, but it’s also notable for how far it is from f**king anything. First you travel to Australia, which is already on the other side of the world. Then you fly six hours to Alice Springs, then it’s six hours in a bus to Uluru. The memories you make will largely be of transportation.

Go to Glastonbury

The greatest music festival in the world is still a music festival. If you’re lucky it won’t piss down, you won’t get covered in shit, nobody will nick your stuff from your tent and you’ll be home before the following Wednesday. But you’ll be a different person afterwards, someone who thanks the toilet for existing.

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You rent a flat aged 40 and can't drive: five signs you're not turning into your parents

YOU used to dread becoming your parents, but why? Their lifestyle has perks you’ll never achieve: 

You rent aged 40

You will never ‘settle down’ with a ‘mortgage’ like your boring parents. That’s because they were born in a time when houses cost 20p and banks dished them out like gold stars at primary school. Meanwhile you’ll die from the stress of trying to scrape together a deposit, aged 52.

You can’t drive

Your dad washes his Skoda by hand every Sunday morning at 9am. You cleverly sidestepped becoming a car bore by failing your driving test eight times, never mastering this basic skill, and still getting the bus. At least you have a low carbon footprint, you comfort yourself.

You don’t have a pension

Your parents have a bureau to keep all of their financial forms in order. The nerds. Fortunately you’ve avoided anything which requires paperwork because you’ve been too poor for pensions, savings or property deeds. Instead you binge Netflix while scrolling your phone. You only have £16 in your current account, but that’s life on the edge.

You can’t use a power drill

Your dad has to pop round with his power tools on a weekly basis to sort minor repairs you should know how to fix. He’s not even trained, he’s just using a lifetime of experience and common sense. When he’s gone you’ll have to pay someone £500 to put up a shelf while you reflect on how painfully inadequate you are.

You still can’t cook

By the time they were your age, your folks could make a toad-in-the-hole or a shepherd’s pie from scratch in 18 minutes without any ingredients. How do they find the time to cook every single day? They should use Deliveroo like you. It’s so convenient and only costs enough to keep you permanently below the poverty line.