Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson: Five other 90s scandals ideal for a TV drama

WITH 90s ‘sex tape drama’ Pam & Tommy a hit on streaming services, which other tabloid fodder of the era is ripe for adaptation next? Definitely these momentous events:

Jarvis Cocker mooning Michael Jackson

A story with all the the makings of a heist thriller. The big score is waving your arse at Jacko while he sings Earth Song at the BRITs. We see the planning stage – Jarvis poring over blueprints of the venue months in advance – and finally the execution, evading security to deliver a textbook arse-flapping in front of an audience of millions.

Gazza and the Dentist’s Chair

A tale of sporting redemption in which Gazza is played by the versatile Toby Jones. He joins Teddy Sheringham (Michael Fassbender) and Steve McManaman (Benedict Cumberbatch) in a Hong Kong nightclub and is tied to a chair with booze poured down his throat. Only to be exposed by the paps. A bollocking from England manager Terry Venables (Sir Ian McKellen) follows and finally a wonder goal at Euro 96. It’s got ‘ITV on a Sunday night’ written all over it.

Hugh Grant and Divine Brown

Hugh Grant plays himself, revisiting his most controversial moment, and it’s not Mickey Blue Eyes. It’s LA in 1995. Hugh is cheating on Liz Hurley to get a blowie on Sunset Boulevard from Divine Brown. Episode one would open on his iconic mugshot – then somehow stretch to a five-part mini series for Sky.

The Cool Britannia Party

The new House of Cards. The year is 1997, New Labour are riding a wave and Tony Blair is still six years away from being hated by everyone. We see the guest list taking shape while chancellor Brown grumbles about ‘how much all this will cost’. The PM listens to a CD marked ‘modern music’ on his Walkman and scribbles out Aqua and Chumbawamba from his list before finally circling the guest of honour: Noel Gallagher from Oasis.

Marathon changes its name to Snickers

Drama set in 1990 about the boardroom wrangling and backstabbing which led to Marathon being renamed Snickers. Think whiteboards filled with dire economic predictions, torrid deliberations to match only 12 Angry Men, and one trailblazing employee with a plan to change the confectionery industry forever. If successful, it will get a sequel: Opal Fruits vs Starburst.

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We read your meter then randomly pick a figure you can't afford: How your energy bill is calculated

NOT sure why your gas and electric bills will shoot up – again? Here energy company boss Roy Hobbs explains how it is all calculated.

We read the meter then think of a figure that’ll empty your account

In the spirit of fairness we send a peon round to read your meter, note the numbers down in a little book, then use these findings to take the piss. So what if you’ve survived winter by keeping the gas off and wearing four jumpers to stay warm? That’ll be £800 pounds please. Don’t keep us waiting.

We pluck numbers out of a big hat

Everyone in the office writes down whopping great figures on a slip of paper, which are then folded in half and chucked into a big hat. Every few months we all gather round and take turns to fish them out and assign them to one of our customers. Bad luck Sylvia from Gloucester, looks like you owe us £5,727.59.

We blindly hammer the number keys for 10 seconds

Monitoring your energy use and keeping track of which band you’re in is far too much hassle. That’s why we save ourselves the trouble by blindly pressing number keys for 10 seconds then chucking a pound sign in front. That’s how you sometimes get a bill of £4,381,568.20 for October to February.

We take a sobering look at our budget deficit

Thanks to our ridiculous salaries and lack of state control, the word ‘profit’ on our balance sheet has got a disturbing minus sign in front of it. To calculate your bill we take this negative number and divide it by the population of Britain. Problem solved! Well, for us. For you the bailiffs are coming round because you dared put the central heating on and use the kettle.

We just do whatever the f**k we want

Does it matter how we calculate your bill? We’re a massive energy conglomerate and you’re a cleaner from Plymouth. What are you going to do, write a stern letter of complaint or phone our customer helpline? Don’t make me laugh. We can get away with anything because we are your god. Fancy a bath in cold water? I thought not.

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