Boris must remain prime minister. If he doesn't I've just married some dick

By Carrie Johnson

TORY MPs? F**k them. The public? F**k them even more. Keir Starmer? He can f**k himself, he’s not worth the effort. This ends now. 

Boris has to stay prime minister. Why? Because otherwise I’ve had two bloody babies with and married a useless old prick. 

Those were not parties. I’ve been to parties, I can tell you. When Uncle Zac’s in a giving mood me and the girls have partied for 72 hours straight. Those were not even gatherings. They were sad bastard civil servants trying to drink enough to be worth talking to. 

The resignations? Nobody who matters. Have you heard of any of them? No. It’s only a big deal because the media wants a fuss. It’s like trying to give a shit when Taylor Swift loses a backing dancer. 

But like the benighted misogynists they are, the Tories are trying to put the blame on me. After what I’ve done for Downing Street’s image by clearing out the pissy stench of May’s leather trousers. 

The wallpaper? Boris loved it. Is it my fault that Lulu Lytle has no understanding of how modern celebrity works and presented us with a bill? Who the f**k is she? 

Sam Cam used to hide behind the curtains when there was company. Now buccaneering Britain has a real first lady, young and blonde and awake to issues of social injustice, but ‘bringing the baby to parties’ is apparently weird. 

Lovely Boris is apologising, which he’s very good at, and Cressida’s promised absolutely no action which is a nice guarantee to have. 

The bottom line is I cannot be hitched to a Telegraph journalist who doesn’t even own a house. So this country needs to get its act together. Realising how lucky it is to have me would be a start.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six songs that suggest the artist is a massive twat to go out with

A SURPRISING number of songs contain the message ‘Don’t go out with this twat’. Here are some tunes the artists thought weren’t weird at all… 

Whole Lotta Love, Led Zeppelin

Imagine you’re about to have great sex with charismatic rock star Robert Plant when he suddenly says ‘I’m gonna give ya my love, I’m gonna give ya every inch of my love’. CRINGE OR WHAT? You’d spend the rest of the evening worrying he’s going to get a tape measure out. 

Hello, Lionel Richie 

Jesus, in-song Lionel is really needy. ‘Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven’t got a clue’ he bleats, before mentioning ‘in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times’ and wondering if she’s shagging someone else. Creepily, this appears to be the first time he’s spoken to her: ‘But let me start by saying, I love you.’ So a sweet love song or a warning not to get involved with clingy oddballs? Definitely the latter.

Obsession, Animotion

Catchy 80s hit in which the singer freely admits he’s obsessed with a lucky lady, before outlining a mare’s nest of psychological issues, eg. ‘Who do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me?’ Answer: Someone a bit more normal.

Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke

Criticised for the naked models and not-very-romantic lyric ‘I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two’. A catchy tune and slick production don’t disguise the fact that Robin is an old-school sexist who thinks he’s got a big knob and all the ladies are ‘gagging for it’. In real life he’s probably that pissed bloke in a bar saying things like, ‘Suck me cock, love, it’s a peach.’

Candy Shop, 50 Cent

‘I’ll let you lick the lollipop’ offers Fiddy. Which is great if you want to go out with a grown man with the mind of a smutty 12-year-old. Also contains some equally stunted nonsense about ‘Got the magic stick, I’m the love doctor’. A song with all the sexual maturity of Spinal Tap’s Sex Farm Woman: ‘Getting out my pitchfork, poking your hay.’ And that was a spoof.

I’m On Fire, Bruce Springsteen 

‘Hey little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go away and leave you all alone?’ Lots to worry about there. However her date is more interested in dad: ‘Can he do to you the things that I do?’ Now he’s bragging about his sex skills while deeply misunderstanding the father-daughter relationship. And is he challenging your dad to a shagging competition? The mind boggles.