MIDDLE aged men are designed for sitting down. These are the only times when breaking into a run is acceptable:
Your car is being towed
Nothing sparks a middle aged man into action more than seeing his second-favourite chair being towed away. Onlookers will be shocked to see an out-of-shape bloke in an uncool outdoor jacket suddenly turn into Sonic the Hedgehog.
You’re late for boarding
This occurs when the middle-aged man and his wife only hear the last call to board their plane home. The resultant embarrassing panic sprint with overstuffed cases and bags of crap souvenirs will be bettered only by the return sprint to retrieve the boarding passes he left in the departure lounge.
Being caught short
Whether it’s a 4am dash to the bathroom or tearing through a motorway services, a middle aged man will outpace Usain Bolt to get to a urinal. There’d better not be a queue, though, because all those cups of tea will have generated enough fluid to extinguish a forest fire.
In pursuit of a five pound note
A middle aged man will gladly throw five pounds away every Sunday morning on an array of newspapers to tut over. But if a five pound note is snatched away by a gust of wind, he’ll be sprinting after it like Rocky Balboa chasing a chicken.
During a midlife crisis
During his midlife crisis a middle aged man may take up running in a punishing attempt to recapture his youthful vigour. Exercise is a good thing, but you’ll probably give up and deal with the midlife crisis by listening to Chris Rea in a newly-purchased sportscar instead.