The rules of clothes shopping for men

MEN are provided with clothing on birthdays, Father’s Day and Christmas. If it’s absolutely necessary to own more, grudgingly go clothes shopping in classic male fashion like this.

Hide your discomfort

Men find clothes shopping fundamentally unnatural and awkward. Choose a busy weekend to shop as your discomfort will be less obvious, and go near the end of the day when staff will be knackered and leave you alone. Buy something that provides the necessary warmth, smartness or genital coverage and leave immediately.

Never try things on

Too much hassle, and while undressed in a strange place you are weak and exposed. You should have one pair of jeans that actually fit, so buy trousers in this size. If they don’t fit, that’s life. Trying on shirts is pointless as they’re always the wrong size and there’s no way you’ll get them back in the packaging. Buy three shirts of varying sizes and hope one fits as you try them on at home.

Do not make eye contact

Eye contact with another male in a shopping environment is deeply embarrassing, although it’s not clear why. Even if you spot a friend, give a barely perceptible nod. Treat the clothes shop as you would a public lavatory: no chat, do what you need to, one non-narcissistic glance in the mirror when the task is completed.

Never engage with staff

You might be feeling confident after buying an item without incident and now you think you’re ‘Johnny Cool Shopper’. Beware. You’re opening the door to asking a shop assistant if they have an item in a different colour, instead of the black, grey or blue assigned for male clothing. It’s a short step from there to friendly chat, getting measured and referring to your clothing as ‘an outfit’.

Wait for the queue to die down

No man has ever just paid for their shopping when there’s a chance of the queue ‘dying down’. After choosing your item, idle around the shop until any queue depletes. This could take hours, but you’ll feel you’ve won a tactical victory by going straight in as second in the queue. Even if it’s wasted a fifth of the day.

The first item is always the one

The Golden Rule of male clothes shopping. Like spotting a space in a busy car park, seeing the right item for you is a reflex action. Looking at alternatives is a futile exercise. Dozens of sweatshirts or stretch jeans may be examined, but none will replace the first item seen. It was perfect then, and it still is now. Go back and buy three. This decisive action also leaves time for a quick one in a nearby pub.

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Good thing there's a price cap, says Britain

THE UK has wiped its brow with relief that the energy price cap is keeping bill increases at an affordable level.

As energy costs increase by 80 per cent to an average of £3,549, Britons struggling to pay bills are thanking regulator Ofgem for the price cap which has done so much good.

Steve Malley of Mansfield said: “I never used to think about the energy price cap much, but now it’s turned out to be the saviour of us all.

“Just think what could have happened without it. Energy suppliers could have cranked prices up to unsustainable levels. Families could be choosing between heating or eating. We could be facing riots in the streets.

“But, thanks to Ofgem and their price cap, which they’re now allowed to raise every three months rather than six and which appears to go up by as much as energy suppliers want, none of that’s going to be happening.

“Like children in a rainstorm we’re sheltered snugly under the price cap, safe from harm, until April’s price rise takes energy up to £6,616. Where would we be without it?”