MEN are provided with clothing on birthdays, Father’s Day and Christmas. If it’s absolutely necessary to own more, grudgingly go clothes shopping in classic male fashion like this.
Hide your discomfort
Men find clothes shopping fundamentally unnatural and awkward. Choose a busy weekend to shop as your discomfort will be less obvious, and go near the end of the day when staff will be knackered and leave you alone. Buy something that provides the necessary warmth, smartness or genital coverage and leave immediately.
Never try things on
Too much hassle, and while undressed in a strange place you are weak and exposed. You should have one pair of jeans that actually fit, so buy trousers in this size. If they don’t fit, that’s life. Trying on shirts is pointless as they’re always the wrong size and there’s no way you’ll get them back in the packaging. Buy three shirts of varying sizes and hope one fits as you try them on at home.
Do not make eye contact
Eye contact with another male in a shopping environment is deeply embarrassing, although it’s not clear why. Even if you spot a friend, give a barely perceptible nod. Treat the clothes shop as you would a public lavatory: no chat, do what you need to, one non-narcissistic glance in the mirror when the task is completed.
Never engage with staff
You might be feeling confident after buying an item without incident and now you think you’re ‘Johnny Cool Shopper’. Beware. You’re opening the door to asking a shop assistant if they have an item in a different colour, instead of the black, grey or blue assigned for male clothing. It’s a short step from there to friendly chat, getting measured and referring to your clothing as ‘an outfit’.
Wait for the queue to die down
No man has ever just paid for their shopping when there’s a chance of the queue ‘dying down’. After choosing your item, idle around the shop until any queue depletes. This could take hours, but you’ll feel you’ve won a tactical victory by going straight in as second in the queue. Even if it’s wasted a fifth of the day.
The first item is always the one
The Golden Rule of male clothes shopping. Like spotting a space in a busy car park, seeing the right item for you is a reflex action. Looking at alternatives is a futile exercise. Dozens of sweatshirts or stretch jeans may be examined, but none will replace the first item seen. It was perfect then, and it still is now. Go back and buy three. This decisive action also leaves time for a quick one in a nearby pub.
