The six stages of every man's wanking routine

WHEN it comes to acts of self abuse, men are all creatures of habit. These are the six stages they will follow when treating themselves to a hand shandy:

Do a quick recce

This will be done subtly so as not to arouse suspicion. A seemingly innocent walk through the house will do the trick, and maybe he’ll call out people’s names just to be safe. The last thing a man wants is to be caught by his family when he’s bent over and bashing away, mainly because he’ll feel compelled to finish before apologising.

Secure the perimeter

Bathroom’s are the safest place for some self-love because they’ve got a lock on the door, but they’re rarely the most comfortable or erotic. Instead, a man will likely settle for his bedroom by placing something heavy next to the door to prevent his mum interrupting like that one time when he was 16. If you ever spot a house with its living room curtains shut in the middle of the day, a man is likely wanking in there.

Locate the filth

Smut, or visual onanism aids as men prefer to call it, was traditionally stashed under the mattress. In modern times though, X-rated filth lives online, with the opening of the incognito tab now being tantamount to masturbation foreplay. Should a man ever be unable to locate pornography, he is always capable of falling back on his mental obscenity archive AKA wank bank.

Conduct the wank

Just as a soldier can strip down and reassemble a SA80 on mental autopilot, a man will bring himself to climax with a similarly grim, robot-like efficiency. The disgusting process typically takes between three to five minutes to complete, depending on how recent his last emission was, and due years of furtive adolescent wanks he will be quieter than a dormouse.

Dispose of the evidence

A bundled up tissue nestled near the bed is a dead giveaway. Not least because it reeks of spunk. Therefore, immediately after discharge, a man will shuffle to the bathroom with his pants and trousers still around his ankles and flush the evidence down the toilet. This is where checking the coast is clear pays dividends.

Repress the guilt

Even non-Catholic men will feel like they’ve done something wrong. Something that goes against their moral fibre as a human being. Due to the frequency of their wanks though, men are masters of squashing down their guilt and pretending they didn’t just watch the dirtiest videos PornHub has to offer. It’s more of a reflex than a conscious action at this point.

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Woman seeks holiday that is hot, not too hot, near a city and near beaches

A WOMAN is struggling to book a holiday that meets a long list of contradictory requirements, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford is no closer to booking her family getaway than she was a week ago because it needs to be somewhere cool yet tropical on a remote island with easy access to the city, and ideally not cost a lot while offering a premium experience.

She said: “It’s taking forever to sort because Tripadivsor mainly filters hotels and experiences by price and popularity, not the incessant, diametrically opposed demands of your sodding husband and kids.

“The ideal destination needs to be somewhere far away and exciting but without mosquitoes because we’ve left it too late for jabs. It should also boast a beautiful old city with dedicated parking spaces right outside our Airbnb. So far Google’s drawing a blank.

“Maybe if I just search for some random keywords a miraculous targeted ad will pop up and solve all my problems. Although I’ve been doing that for a while now and nothing’s come my way. I can’t fathom why.

“F**k it, if I don’t find anything by tomorrow we’re going to Bognor Regis. It’s close enough.”