Man who watches 15 hours of football a week thinks your hobby is eccentric

A MAN who obsessively watches ten football matches every week thinks your hobbies and interests mark you out as an oddball, it has emerged.

League Two superfan Tom Logan cannot understand why you waste your time indulging in other aspects of culture when you could be doing the sensible thing of watching adults in shorts trying to score goals.

He said: “I don’t understand you anoraks. What do the arts offer that football doesn’t, besides well-crafted stories, emotional fulfilment and a broader understanding of the human experience?

“Then there’s all the merchandise tat that goes along with it. You don’t need a band T-shirt to listen to music or an action figure to watch Star Wars. It’s a waste of money. My Rochdale away kit is both practical and only cost £45, so it’s totally different.

“Everyone knows that football is the only thing it’s socially acceptable to be openly enthusiastic about. But not women’s football, obviously, unless they’re about to go all the way again.”

Marvel fan Nikki Hollis said: “I guess it’s a bit odd to be really into comic book movies. But is it more odd than standing around a pitch in the pissing rain and paying a fiver for a pint? No.”

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How to pass the three hours before your mate gets up when you stay over

CRASHED at a friend’s? Woken up 180 minutes before them? Fill the cavernous eternity before they surface with these tips.

Contemplate life

You’re stuck in limbo until your host drags their arse out of bed, so you might as well dwell on the mysteries of the universe in the meantime like a Buddhist monk. Ruminate on life’s big questions like how did you expect to sleep on a sofa with just a newspaper as a blanket, how long can you watch Paw Patrol on their TV with the volume turned off before you get bored, and why oh why did you forget to charge your phone?

Try to have a shower

Easier said than done because showers in other people’s houses are more difficult to crack than the Enigma code. Either it’s a sleek, modern affair with no apparent controls, or it’s an antique contraption with an obscure pin you have to pull out to get the water flowing. And once you’re done you only have the smallest, crustiest hand towel to dry yourself off with. Just try not to think about how often it’s been near your host’s genitals.

Judge their CD and book collection

Once you’re clean it’s time to change back into the dirty clothes you wore yesterday and slept in. While doing so, take the time to sneer at your host’s poor taste in literature and music, which appears to include all the Hunger Games books, a couple of well-read Jilly Cooper bonkbusters, and 5ive’s entire discography. You should broaden their cultural horizons by offloading your McBusted album onto them.


Fuelled by a sense of superiority after noticing they have two different Katie Price autobiographies, it’s time for a more thorough rummage around your host’s home. According to the bills stuck to their fridge they have an overdue payment on their Very account, although they are forking out £200 a month less than you on their mortgage. Use this as leverage to make the tight twat get rounds in more often at the pub.

Make a cup of tea

This serves two functions. As you enter the third hour you’re likely to be bored and thirsty. So by making a cup of tea loudly you can quench your thirst and hopefully wake up your host in the process. With any luck they’ll come downstairs then engage you in awkward small talk about how they slept and the dreams they had. In comparison the mundanity of solitude will seem like bliss.