The toddler's guide to being taken to a music festival

IT may feel as if your parents are trying to traumatise or actually kill you by taking you to a music festival, but they are just idiots. Here’s how to avoid being mentally scarred for life.

Keep your ear protectors on at all times
Your parents will have made a big deal of buying day-glo ear protectors to show what good people they are. Remember – they won’t just protect your barely-formed ear drums, they’ll blot out the half-pissed muso posturings of their awful friends too.

Fake enthusiasm for this sh*t
You want to hear The Wiggles or Baby Shark, of course you do. But if you can pick an artist to feign enjoying – “Daddy, I wuv Nick Cave!” – rather than let on that you’re dangerously bored, your hipster parents will be charmed beyond belief.

Enjoy the dance party
Is Mummy usually too tired to dance around with you? Not when she’s had four pints of scrumpy cider!

Be thankful for your nappy
Walking around in your own filth is normally not that dignified, but it’s utopian luxury compared with the toilet facilities the rest of the festival-goers will be enduring. Enjoy looking them in the eye as you fill your pants. 

Be Instagrammable
Don’t forget what this is all about: not having a fun time as a family, but getting some adorable pictures for Instagram and Facebook to show the world what groovy, progressive people your parents are. #FirstFestival!

2000 AD reader ruins date by saying woman looks 'zarjaz'

A MAN has ruined his chance to form a romantic relationship by using an invented slang word to describe his date.

Avid 2000 AD reader and self-described ‘Earthlet’ Tom Booker made the faux pas when he greeted hapless Bumble match Donna Sheridan for their date at Pizza Express in Barnstaple.

Booker said: “Everything was going well until about five seconds in when I said that she was looking zarjaz. Apparently the lexicon of 2000 AD editor Tharg the Mighty isn’t as well known in Brit-Cit as it used to be.”

Adjusting his Halo Jones T-shirt, Booker added: “I tried to explain to her that it’s the highest form of praise. If she picked up a prog of the Galaxy’s Greatest Comic once in a while she’d know that.”

Sheridan said: “Call me old fashioned but I like a date to start with a kiss on the cheek or a bouquet of flowers, not gibberish spouted by some editor from the planet Quaxxann. Also I prefer to read Toxic!, the short-lived rival to 2000 AD that ran for 31 issues between March 28 and October 24, 1991.”

Booker added: “I call my penis the Lawgiver.”