A DOG is man’s best friend and his greatest burden. This is how your pet will ruin you:
It will f**k up your social life
Spontaneous night out? Not when your canine pal has separation anxiety after 18 months as your constant companion, and now can’t be left alone for 45 minutes. So lockdown’s long over but your socialising is still confined to beer gardens and country walks.
It will f**k up your bank account
Even the shit this thing does costs money. From grain-free food to worming tablets to biodegradable poo bags, to the unpaid labour of accompanying it to its desired dumping locale and collecting the turds. You may as well have a monthly direct debit marked ‘dogshit’.
It will f**k up your sleep
Your spouse snores, your children get in the bed in the middle of the night, and the dog manages both. A hair-covered duvet, sleep broken by four paws in your back and kibble breath, and a prompt dawn wake-up to let the dog into the garden for a piss and a bark at some birds.
It will f**k up your house
Soft furnishings are an amateur destruction expert’s game: a dog will have you googling ‘skirting board repair’ and ‘whole lawn grow back when?’
It will f**k up your house even more
Now it’s time to play ‘guess which canine orifice made the substance that made the sofa cushions reek/turn that weird colour/go all clumpy’. It’s a game where everyone’s a loser.
It will f**k up your cold, cynical heart
That little shit will force you to experience genuine love, and probably teach the whole family lessons in caring and empathy and all that bollocks. You’re the one that let it sleep in the bed. And no one forced you to buy it the bobble hat, you pathetic prick.