The top six ways your dog will f**k up your life

A DOG is man’s best friend and his greatest burden. This is how your pet will ruin you: 

It will f**k up your social life

Spontaneous night out? Not when your canine pal has separation anxiety after 18 months as your constant companion, and now can’t be left alone for 45 minutes. So lockdown’s long over but your socialising is still confined to beer gardens and country walks.

It will f**k up your bank account

Even the shit this thing does costs money. From grain-free food to worming tablets to biodegradable poo bags, to the unpaid labour of accompanying it to its desired dumping locale and collecting the turds. You may as well have a monthly direct debit marked ‘dogshit’.

It will f**k up your sleep

Your spouse snores, your children get in the bed in the middle of the night, and the dog manages both. A hair-covered duvet, sleep broken by four paws in your back and kibble breath, and a prompt dawn wake-up to let the dog into the garden for a piss and a bark at some birds.

It will f**k up your house

Soft furnishings are an amateur destruction expert’s game: a dog will have you googling ‘skirting board repair’ and ‘whole lawn grow back when?’

It will f**k up your house even more

Now it’s time to play ‘guess which canine orifice made the substance that made the sofa cushions reek/turn that weird colour/go all clumpy’. It’s a game where everyone’s a loser.

It will f**k up your cold, cynical heart

That little shit will force you to experience genuine love, and probably teach the whole family lessons in caring and empathy and all that bollocks. You’re the one that let it sleep in the bed. And no one forced you to buy it the bobble hat, you pathetic prick.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Everyone at first office-based meeting in months desperately trying not to mutter 'wankers'

A GROUP of colleagues in their first real-life meeting in 18 months are all struggling not to press mute and call each other wankers. 

After more than a year of freely hurling abuse at co-workers with their mouths covered and mute on, the group are now repressing the instinct to call everyone twats like they usually do.

Thomas Logan in IT said: “Mike from sales started up with his usual bullshit about disrupting the decision tree so I touched my screen and began to say ‘Shut the f**k up, tosser’ as I customarily do.

“Thankfully I managed to stop before the F-word and was drowned out by at least three other colleagues beginning their habitual abuse. We all stared at our computers a lot after that.”

Regional manager Eleanor Shaw said: “Now I get what triggering means. When Janice said ‘I’ll ping you all later’, when Chris the MD says ‘going forward’ for the 14th time, when Richard says ‘let’s diarise that as an action’. My abuse reflex was so triggered.

“I had to leave the room and yell ‘f**k the lot of you’ in the toilets. Which is inefficient and a strong argument against office working in itself.”

Mike Bishop of sales said: “I had to deliver a whole presentation without once saying ‘what the f**k is up with your tie’ to Tom. It had frogs on. Frogs.”