The twat's guide to getting one car further up in traffic

WHILE idling in traffic, do you wish you were that twat who always manages to be slightly in front of you? Here’s how to win this tiny victory.

Use the horn

The horn isn’t just for expressing your contempt for mums and their dawdling small children on zebra crossings. Repeated blasts can also shit up the driver in front, forcing them to nervously stop or pull over and let you through. To be a more effective twat, get a horn that plays a tune so anyone within earshot will gladly accelerate out of your way.

Use the lights

Alternatively, flashing your lights will shift the car in front. It works in the fast lane of the motorway when the idle wanker in front is only doing 105mph, so why not in town traffic? For maximum effect use both the horn and lights on full beam, especially when near a hospital. Drivers will pull to one side thinking you have a medical emergency, not the personality disorder you actually suffer from. Don’t forget to thank them by flipping the finger as you burn past.

Take necessary risks

What’s the point of having a car capable of 130 mph+ if you don’t use it? Speed limits get you nowhere fast. Don’t be an ‘amber gambler’, be ‘red ahead’. Also, pavements and grass verges are urban hard shoulders, so test out your suspension by bumping along them. And don’t let a bus stop or lay-by go to waste – sneakily try to edge past other vehicles in them even if it’s way more trouble than it’s worth. You don’t see Lewis Hamilton waiting patiently behind Billy Brakelights in F1, and neither should you.

Try gentle encouragement

Is that tiny Fiat 500 blocking the road? Forget your usual intimidatory tailgating, give them a gentle nudge. It’s not like it’s a match for your single-decker-bus-sized Range Rover. If space permits, give the little shit a side-nudge whilst hurling unwarranted abuse, and take your rightful place one car up, before doing exactly the same to the next vehicle, unless it’s another macho driver with an unnecessarily large vehicle who’d love a fight with a steering wheel lock.

Don’t forget temporary traffic disruptions

Pedestrian crossings and temporary lights are a time-sapping annoyance, but useful when you need to get ahead. The red, amber and green colours on temporary lights are decorative, and like permanent traffic lights only a fool adheres to them – ask any cyclist. If the car in front stops at a pedestrian crossing take the initiative and steam past. Anyone crossing will instinctively jump out of the way and soil themselves, which makes your journey more pleasant by giving you a good laugh. 

It’s your road

You pay road tax, or the company that provides your large work vehicle does. To get ahead of Sally Second Gear in her Nissan Leaf use all of the road, ignoring those fascist lane markings. Any oncoming vehicles will respect your alpha manoeuvre and swerve out of your way. If on a dual carriageway, assert your dominance by driving across both lanes allowing no one past, like the triumphant Poundland Caesar twat that you are.

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Good sex, and other things under-30s are convinced don't happen over 30

FOR young people, the idea of hitting 30 means everything is over. If you’re older than that, have a good cry, because these experiences can never happen in your remaining 50 years.

Good sex

Old people like over-30s don’t have sex. Their knees are too knackered to manoeuvre their decrepit bodies into the required positions. Instead, they get their kicks from watching Countdown and solving a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle. If they do f**k then it’s as clumsy and unsatisfying as two tortoises rutting. Anything more acrobatic than missionary is strictly off the table due to dying.

Finding ‘the one’

The window for finding ‘the one’ is between your late teens and mid-20s. If you don’t snap up a soulmate during this time then you never will. Sure, you might bump into someone vaguely compatible later in life once they’ve been through a divorce, but any affection they feel will be secondhand and built on a fear of loneliness. It’s not true love, but you’ll have the flimsy substitute of vague companionship, much like buying a goldfish.

Succeeding in any way

Have you ever seen someone achieve fame and fortune if they haven’t done it by 30? Of course not. By that point they’re too ancient to turn their life around. That’s why young people hustle and grind 24/7 to become influencers and make a stack of cash. The clock’s constantly ticking and if they haven’t made their first million by 23 they might as well unalive themselves, to use the correct TikTok parlance, which geriatric over-30s don’t understand.

Looking good

The second you hit 30 your hairline recedes, a paunch sprouts across your stomach and the cellulite kicks in. And it’s only downhill from there. No amount of healthy living or cosmetic surgery can fend off the ravages of time. In an ideal world, the over-30s would wear a hessian sack over their heads to hide their wizened features. Luckily they don’t go out much because modern pedestrian crossings and self-service checkouts are a sensory overload.

Being happy even for a second

What is there to be happy about when you’re over 30? Every piece of entertainment you used to love will be tarnished by a disappointing reboot or problematic accusations. Your ambitions have been forgotten and life is just endless toil. Even things that should bring a smile to your face like your kids remind you of the financial cost. It’s amazing all you 30+ coffin dodgers don’t just kill yourselves. There’s no way the average 20-something could have got things wrong.