Han Solo, and other iconic characters whose spare time remains a mystery

OBVIOUSLY you wouldn’t want to watch a Bond film that devotes 20 minutes to 007 getting a new Sky box, but our favourite characters’ downtime is rarely explained. Like these.

Judge Dredd

The writers of Judge Dredd have been incredibly lazy in depicting his hobbies and interests. What is he into? Birdwatching? Homebrewing? Warhammer? The fans need to know. In terms of a social life, his only friend and potential love interest is Judge Anderson, but she was entombed in a block of perspex after being possessed by the spirit of Judge Death. Oh well, back to the wanking sock.

Catherine Tramell

Sharon Stone’s foxy serial killer is ostensibly an author, although we don’t see her doing much typing or frustratedly scribbling plot notes. Possibly because authors are notoriously bad at knuckling down to work. For realism Basic Instinct should include two hours of Catherine doing displacement activities: cleaning the fridge, playing Microsoft Solitaire, making a toastie while she plans her next sexy. sexy stabbing.

Han Solo (and Chewbacca)

Han and Chewie are smugglers by trade, so even with hyperspace jumps that means a lot of time in the void of space. Yet the Millennium Falcon has no obvious sources of entertainment – no TV, no books, no holodeck, just that f**king chess game. Historians believe same-sex relationships of necessity were fairly common in the Royal Navy over the centuries, so using rigorous speculation it’s likely Han and Chewie got it on. Frequently. No wonder super-woke Disney bought Lucasfilm.

Black Widow

With spectacular creativity, the creators of Russian Natasha Romanov made her a ballerina, so maybe she keeps that up as a hobby. It’s nice she’s ‘got her own thing’ when all the other Avengers have superpowers (yeah, yeah, Tony Stark hasn’t but he’s got his suit). This can’t account for all her spare time, though. It’s possible she’s one of these high-achievers with no interests outside work, just TV and leafing through Marie Claire. People have probably invented some in their fanfic, but let’s not go there because it’s disgusting.


In Underworld Selene is obviously kept pretty busy avenging the death of her family by killing all Lycans (the franchise’s bollocks name for werewolves). But she must get the odd day off. Unfortunately she’s a vampire, and that skintight bodysuit is very unforgiving, so she probably spends all her free time snoozing in a coffin or at the gym. She’d probably be really boring if you met her.

James Bond

Bond supposedly inhabits a world of swanky casinos but you can’t afford high-stakes baccarat every night on a civil servant’s salary. So he probably does what most bachelors do: watch old action movies on ITV and nip to the corner shop for essentials. Although in the slightly unrealistic world of Bond he’d probably meet Pussy Galore while buying a Dr Oetker pizza and some Toilet Duck.

Ellen Ripley

It seems likely the crew of the Nostromo spend their free time watching videos and playing cards. But that doesn’t tell us what Ripley’s interests are when not at work. We know she really likes cats – let’s face it, most of us would not have wasted time finding a cat box for Jonesy – so it’s possible she’s a weird cat person. She’s probably got six of them at home, and tells visitors about their ‘tummy upsets’ in revolting detail. Thank God they didn’t put that in the film.

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Nigel Slater: 'I f**k toast'

MUCH-LOVED cookery writer Nigel Slater has confessed that his passion for toast goes beyond the kitchen and into the bedroom.

While Slater has always made his love of the simple breakfast staple clear in cookbooks and memoirs, this week he tearfully admitted that he often wakes up in the morning with a bed full of buttery crumbs. 

In an emotional statement, he gave fans an unflinchingly honest account of his relationships with slices of crusty warm bread. 

He said: “It’s time I came clean. My relationship with toast has evolved from one between a chef and his meal into a nightly, all-out f**kfest.

“One night while working on a Guardian recipe of burrata and pearl barley or some shit, I realised that me and the Hovis in my bread bin could take things to a whole new level. And by that I mean I stuck my dick in it. It just felt so right.

“I admit I went through a promiscuous phase with toast, but any celebrity chef will tell you there’s no shortage of attractive, willing bread that’s only too happy to hop under the grill for you.”

Never one to hold back on culinary advice, Slater was forthright about his erotic bread preferences. 

He said: “It might be more politically correct to say I don’t have a preference in terms of looks, but I find a bit of warm ciabatta dripping in Lurpak goes down best – if you catch my drift.”

He added: “I want to make clear that none of this is because I’m from Wolverhampton.”