DO you think the coronavirus suddenly doesn’t exist whenever you fancy a trip to B&Q? Here are some great ways to ignore lockdown when it suits you.
You must go sunbathing
A hot day will have sunbathing Brits out in force like a mindless robot army. Definitely risk the endless void of death for the sake of showing off your abs and getting a bit of a tan, even though lying completely motionless in a crap local park is actually incredibly boring.
You’ve spotted a bargain
Is a bloke in Liverpool selling an almost-new Ikea table for the unbelievable price of £5 but you have to collect and you live in Acton? You’ll still be quids in after the petrol so hop in your car NOW!
Hit the garden centre
Garden centres are more part of the British way of life than WW2 nostalgia and inexplicable Greggs worship. It’s entirely likely we’d take our chances at garden centres if they were infested with velociraptors if it meant getting a new trowel and some hydrangeas.
You need to take that selfie
Social distancing can go f**k itself if you need a new selfie with your mates to maintain your social media profile. Maybe look humorously sad outside a closed pub, or just huddle up together and pull funny faces. Ignore that dry cough and rising temperature.
Go somewhere a bit shit
Don’t bother to ask yourself, ‘Is it worth dying for the sake of a day out in Bournemouth?’ There’s nothing wrong with Bournemouth per se, but it’s not like you’ve been invited to go on a thrilling space adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, including sex with Star-Lord/Gamora.