The twat's guide to ignoring lockdown when you feel like it

DO you think the coronavirus suddenly doesn’t exist whenever you fancy a trip to B&Q? Here are some great ways to ignore lockdown when it suits you.

You must go sunbathing

A hot day will have sunbathing Brits out in force like a mindless robot army. Definitely risk the endless void of death for the sake of showing off your abs and getting a bit of a tan, even though lying completely motionless in a crap local park is actually incredibly boring.

You’ve spotted a bargain

Is a bloke in Liverpool selling an almost-new Ikea table for the unbelievable price of £5 but you have to collect and you live in Acton? You’ll still be quids in after the petrol so hop in your car NOW!

Hit the garden centre 

Garden centres are more part of the British way of life than WW2 nostalgia and inexplicable Greggs worship. It’s entirely likely we’d take our chances at garden centres if they were infested with velociraptors if it meant getting a new trowel and some hydrangeas.

You need to take that selfie

Social distancing can go f**k itself if you need a new selfie with your mates to maintain your social media profile. Maybe look humorously sad outside a closed pub, or just huddle up together and pull funny faces. Ignore that dry cough and rising temperature.

Go somewhere a bit shit

Don’t bother to ask yourself, ‘Is it worth dying for the sake of a day out in Bournemouth?’ There’s nothing wrong with Bournemouth per se, but it’s not like you’ve been invited to go on a thrilling space adventure with the Guardians of the Galaxy, including sex with Star-Lord/Gamora.

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You can stuff your stupid airline up your arse, taxpayers tell Branson

BRITISH taxpayers have suggested the grinning billionaire who sued the NHS while hoovering up rail subsidies can stick his airline right up his arse. 

Richard Branson, who wants £500 million of government money to bail out Virgin Atlantic, has been reminded that he has £4 billion of his own so can get to absolute f**k.

Hairdresser Donna Sheridan said: “Is he having a laugh?

“I’m earning bugger all right now and being told to dig into my savings. Meanwhile that twat’s been living large on subsidies for decades, owns his own Caribbean island, tries to invent space holidays and gives nothing back.

“He sues if his trains don’t win contracts. He sues when he doesn’t get NHS contracts. Presumably if we give him £500 million he’ll sue because it wasn’t £800 million.

“Branson has only ever been a negative influence on the UK. Even the Virgin Megastore was a cavernous warehouse of tat, and he ruined that London episode of Friends.

“I work my arse off six days a week and stump up every penny of tax I owe. He can’t even put his hand in his pocket to pay his staff whilst flights are grounded, so he can stick every single one of his aeroplanes up his luxuriously pampered bum.”