Time deliberately speeding up and slowing down just to f**k with you

TIME deliberately goes faster when you are enjoying something and grinds to a halt when you are in a miserable situation, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies discovered time gets a sadistic kick out of shortening pleasant experiences like a trip to Alton Towers and prolonging horrible ones like exams.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We used to think time was the subjective perception of the linear progression of events, but now we know time is actually just a massive bastard.

“Time appears to have a grudge against people. That’s why double geography used to feel like it went on forever, whereas sex is over before you know it.”

Time victim Tom Booker said: “I had to take a 10-hour flight last month which lasted 20 years. Then my two-week holiday lasted five minutes, before another couple of decades getting home.”

Time said: “I hate that wanker Booker. You should have seen it when I sped up his last birthday – he barely got to cut the cake before it was over. I was pissing myself.

“I hear he’s got root canal work booked for next week. This week is going to fly by then it’s going to be the longest tooth-drilling session in history.”

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Don’t put evidence of doing bad things on Facebook, f**kwits told

IT is a bad idea to put evidence of crimes, cheating the system and extramarital affairs on Facebook, morons have been advised.

Experts have explained that putting your wrongdoings on a hugely popular website explicitly designed to publicise your activities means you could be found out.

Social media analyst Donna Sheridan said: “I’m trying to keep this simple, but my basic point is – putting photos of yourself where people can see them means people can see them.

“So if you are in a criminal gang, for example, try not to put pictures on your Facebook page of you brandishing a machete while surrounded by drugs. That is a bad strategy.

“Similarly, if you are fraudulently claiming disability benefit, don’t show yourself bungee jumping in Dubai with the bragging caption ‘Wankers at the DWP paid for this!!!’.”

Teenager Wayne Hayes said: “Apparently a Facebook video of you doing graffiti on a bus shelter entitled ‘Me doing graffiti on a bus shelter’ is somehow evidence that you did it.

“I told the police that was bollocks because they hadn’t sent me a friend request first. Then they laughed a lot and gave me a massive fine.”

Adulterer Roy Hobbs said: “I put loads of pictures of me fondling women in bars on Facebook and somehow my wife saw them. What are the chances of that?”