Brexit bill defeated by light breeze

THE government’s Brexit bill has suffered two shock defeats due to a mild breeze and a few spots of rain.

The crucial bill taking Britain out of the EU has proved vulnerable to problems such as weather and other minor environmental factors.

Conservative MP Mary Fisher said: “The EU bill returns to the Commons in June, but there’s a possibility it could be defeated as a result of it being too hot.

“Later in the year the bill is expected to suffer setbacks due to a small earth tremor centred on Market Drayton, and a tree falling in Congleton causing slight damage to a Vauxhall Astra.

“There’s also a very real possibility the entire bill will be scrapped completely in October if a colony of great crested newts is found on site just before a second reading.

“But Brexit is still going ahead exactly as planned. We have to keep saying that, even if it’s really humiliating.”


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Man forgets he bought seven luxury flats

A MAN completely forgot he had bought a large number of luxury flats, he has revealed.

Businessman Roy Hobbs was surprised and delighted to discover he was the proud owner of seven seaside properties which – he believes – could turn out to be a good investment.

Hobbs said: “You should have seen my face when my wife reminded me I’d bought a load of expensive flats. I was like, ‘What? No way! Hey, that’s pretty cool!’

“I suppose I must have looked at the flats, online at least, then authorised a massive bank payment and maybe thought about the shitloads of money I was going to make, but it completely slipped my mind.

“Now I think back my last bank statement was at least £2.45 million less than I’d expected, but I assumed we’d just done lots of big shops at Sainsbury’s.

“Jeremy Hunt has totally got my sympathy. Not keeping on top of how many really expensive properties you’ve bought is so easy to do.

“I’m still surprised I’d forget something like this, but then I’m always doing daft stuff like looking for the Sky control and realising it’s right next to me on the sofa.”